Friends Reunited
by Mewoo27
Summary: The sad and lonely life Bilbo Baggins has after the fall of the last heirs of Durin lead the valar to pity. What would their lives be like if they could do it all again? And if they play a few games as they travel, well, it's all in good fun.
1. The End

Friends Reunited

Thorin stared at the crying face of Bilbo Baggins as he lay on the ice overlooking the Battle for Erebor. It was his fault, everything, the war, the deaths of his nephews, the last of his line, and now the tears that fell down what should have been his most trusted friends face. The hobbit should not make such a face, should not have to face such loss, he should have been left in his home with his pocket handkerchief and his armchair and his garden. All his fault, the madness had taken him, so many bad decisions. His pride was his downfall, as Gandalf once said. It seemed so long ago now, that their only worries were making it to the mountain in time.

"Farewell master burglar, go back to your books, and your armchair, plant your trees, watch them grow, if more people valued home above gold, this world would be a merrier place."

And with that, Thorin II, Son of Thrain II, Son of Thror finally let go. He didn't see the way his Hobbit friend broke down in sadness, the keening wails he let out over his friend's body. Nor the way his shoulders sagged as he left the mountain. Nor the way that the small man sat in his homely hole alone and in sadness until he took in young Frodo Baggins.

It was an old man who finally went on to another adventure, who was finally ready to see the reminder of his most beloved friend. However, he was old now, and his weary bones couldn't travel further than the lost lonely house. At least he got to see his elven friends once again, watch the young Estel become king, listen to the tales his friends told him of the world. Even Thranduil took his time to visit every now and then, sharing his worries about his son, and this quest for the free peoples of middle Earth. Thorin never got see Bilbo reunited with his Son that reminded him so strongly of the stubborn dwarf of his memories.

When the once young Hobbit finally left middle earth, sailing to the undying lands, he never saw the tears Bilbo shed in the knowledge that they would never be reunited, even in death. Bilbo would be reborn as a flower in Yavanna's garden whilst Mahal would never let a hobbit into his stone halls.

Mandos, he saw. He found the old soul of Bilbo Baggins as he came with those of the elves, this was not a soul he could claim. The lord of the dead saw the grief and the loneliness of the poor hobbits life that never really continued after the death of his friend. Yavanna wept as she watched him play merrily, it seemed, with the immortal elves, forever stuck in his aged form, and knew that he would never be happy in death either. Hobbits are meant to be happy. She made them to know almost no different, to be able to take pleasure in the little things in life, so that all grievances could be momentary and their simple lives would continue. Even Lobelia Sackville-Baggins lived a happy life, in her own way, taking pleasure in the little squabbles over hereditary property.

Mahal noticed his wife's discomfort and gazed upon his Dwarven Kings. Thorin II lived in happiness here, reunited with his dead father, and grandfather, and nephews and brother Frerin while the rest of the company joined him one by one. His sister Dis had yet to pass on, remaining a strong –if aged- figure in Erebor. However there was always a shadow about him, a sort of restfulness, as if he was waiting for a person that was not sure to come. A constant life of sadness this dwarf had led, cut short before he could enjoy any happiness or peace.

The couple planned, out of sight and out of mid until they took their thoughts to Manwë, the King of them all. He stayed his mind for eons, until eventually he came to his friends with a reply.

"This will change everything"

And Thorin Oakenshield awoke.


	2. Thorin Oakenshield

Friends Reunited

Thorin arose swiftly from his bed with a gasp. It was night and he laid upon his bed in his room at the inn in the Blue Mountains. He remembered this room, as if it was only yesterday that he had searched for companions to reclaim Erebor. Perhaps only because the drapes were a particular blue that he found rather fetching, but could never find anywhere else.

How could this be, was it all a nightmare?

He rubbed his abdomen anxiously, feeling a phantom pain from when he was stabbed by Azog.

"I remember the ice, and the battle, and being stabbed by Azog. I remember the pain and Bilbo's face. And then nothing." Thought Thorin to himself. But now he was back at a place before the start of the quest that changed it all. Before the deaths of his nephews. Before he even met the most remarkable Hobbit in the whole of Middle Earth.

There was a knocking on his door. "Thorin? Are you okay?" It was Balin, attempting to be polite but also nosing at the same time. Just like him. Thorin grunted, shifting out of bed and shuffled to the door. Opening in fully he replied with a gruff "Yes".

"I thought I heard a noise." Still trying out the tentative friendship they had formed between them in the past few weeks of travelling, outside of the formal one he had with the Durin line.

"I was restless. I'm sorry if I woke you."

"Ah, no. I wasn't sleeping too well myself. With the quest almost at hand."

Thorin just grunted at the elder dwarf and returned back into the confines of his room. So this was the start of the journey to Erebor, but he remembered dying with such clarity that it couldn't be a dream. He remembered the journey and the elves and the burning of lake-town. It was all too much to be a dream.

He remembered the dragon-sickness.

He was ashamed of himself. After stating so strongly that he was better than his grandfather, that he would not succumb to the gold, it happened anyway without his notice. He had much to make-up for. Even if no-one else remembered he knew of all the wrongs he had committed. Clearly this must be some form of second life. But why would a god go to such lengths for him, for the quest?

There was no use thinking about such things; for now he was going to relive the last year of his life, and he was going to do a lot of things differently. Looking at the pile of contracts beside him, it appeared that tomorrow he was to set out for the iron hills to request aid, whilst the others made their way to the shire, to meet with the reclusive 14th member that that meddling old fool had recommended to them. True, Bilbo became more than useful to the company, and was a good friend, but he was never a burglar as Gandalf claimed. Except for the incident with the Arkenstone.

Oh, Mahal, the Arkenstone.

That accursed rock must never again come between him and his friends. Perhaps it should remain buried. No, it would be found. Better yet, entrust it to Bilbo, the only one of the company not swayed by gold or jewels. Thorin remembered Bilbo saying that a Hobbit would have no use for such treasures, and thinking back unto to the shire, he would now concede Bilbo's point. Even if he had not believed him at the time.

He could not help smile when he thought of Bilbo, to him it was only yesterday that he was holding him as he faded to his death. Bilbo was the one there for him at the end. So unwilling for his death that he denied it to the very end. So loyal to Thorin, even when he was out of his mind, that Bilbo sacrificed himself to save him. How had they not seen it before? How had any of them thought so little of their little hobbit?

Before he realised, the day had already dawned and Balin was once again trying to knock on his door without actually making any noise. Something all servants somehow manage to master as they continue to work.

"Balin, there is no need to be so formal with me." The King called out to the door, "You are tutor to my sister's sons and was once tutor to me. You have helped me through many a tight situation, why are you acting this way?"

He shuffled his feet for a moment, looking around unsure for a moment, before Balin stared into his King's eyes. "It's just, everything seems so close now. Before, it was just a dream, just a last hope of old men, but now. Now it is right there, in-front of us. I have always taught you with the intent that you become king, but only now do I truly believe it will become true. That we can take back the mountain and you will rule."

Thorin could only stare in wonder at this new Balin. In his first life, he had thought it only fitting that the royal advisor deferred to him so, his pride and sense of status had led him to ignoring it. It was only during the journey that Balin became anything close to a friend, even though they had known each other their entire lives. Now, though, it just seemed so wrong.

"There is no need to stand on ceremony with me, Balin. You are my most trusted advisor, first and foremost, yet I would hope that we know each other well enough to be considered friends."

"I, I would like that very much. Thorin. Thank you." He gave a small smile. "But as your advisor, we really need to set out now, especially if you are heading for the Iron Hills. I will send the message for everybody to meet up in this "Shire" place that Gandalf had mentioned, you do your best to get to the right place on time, yes?"

Thorin growled a little at the implications against his sense of direction. "I am perfectly able to travel across country by myself."

"Yes, I'm sure you are… On a separate note, why don't you try and see if you can get an escort back from Dain's land?"

"I DO NOT, *cough cough* I don't need an escort, thank you, Balin." Thorin grunted through gritted teeth. Balin only laughed and left.

Thorin sighed, he did not need to go to the Iron hills to know what their decision would be. No aid would be sent, no matter what he did to beseech them. He would still go though, and make an attempt at aid.

He sighed again. Why was life so difficult?


	3. Bilbo Baggins

Bilbo awoke suddenly with a gasp, sitting up. How strange, he thought, I haven't had the energy to move so swiftly in an age.

He looked around him and was surprised. Not only by his surroundings, but also that he could see them. As Bilbo got older and older, and finally succumbed to age after cursing his cute little Frodo with that ring, he found his eyes failing him and before long he could only see what was right infront of his face. Now though, he felt young again. His bones were less sore and he could feel the strength in his fingers again.

At first he thought that this may have been a gift from the Valar, so that he could keep up with the lives of the elves now he was in the undying lands, but the bed that he had lain in was not that of the delicately crafted Elvish wear with silk sheets, but a more sturdy, smaller, Hobbit bed, with thick cotton sheets and a goose-feather down mattress. The sunlight that streamed in through the round porthole window showed his mother's old dresser that he had left behind in Bag-end. The mirror on top reflected his face. It was a face from his memories, from his youth. Bilbo stared down at his shaking hands, noticing the tight skin and went to feel the smooth planes of his face. He was a young hobbit again, no older than 50.

He stepped out of his bed gently, as if afraid the illusion would snap, and reached behind the door for his patchwork dressing gown that he knew would be there. He rubbed the thick wool between his fingers, revelling in the familiar texture. It was his old smial under The Hill. He was back in Bag-End again. Bilbo shuffled around the house, viewing the museum of objects he just barely remembered. This time yesterday he was an old man wandering around the most perfect lands to ever have existed, but to him, this was even more beautiful. Hobbits were meant for simple comforts after all.

Slowly, he strengthened his stride, remembering his old strength, his old walk. Now he had time to go on so many more adventures, to see middle earth once again. It seemed as if he had travelled back in time, to his life as a most respectable Baggins. Just like his father. He popped his head out of his front door and noticed the worn green paint, it would need a new coat soon, truly, he should have done it already. His garden was truly beautiful, the shire was better than he remembered, the peace he found here, the simple rolling hills, it all reminded him of simpler days, before worries. Not that he didn't greatly enjoy his time as a guest of the elves, but it had always felt like an extended holiday. The shire had been home for as long as he could remember and it was truly a heaven to him.

"Bilbo Baggins!"

Ahhh… But he never really got over the people.

"What are you doing out of doors in just your nightclothes? And at this hour. You should be ashamed!"

"Nice to see you too Lobelia" He gave the red faced woman a curt nod and turned to face his garden. "I was just checking the paint on the door and then I got distracted by the garden."

She looked around a second as if trying to find something else to criticize, and settled on Bilbo himself. "50 years old and still can't tell the time. I bet you just woke, missing both breakfasts!"

"Yes, yes I did. I had a late night last night, working on the accounts of my estate, so I think I'll just pop back in and catch up my breakfasts now. Good Morning, Lobelia."

"Good Afternoon!"

Swinging the door shut behind him, Bilbo wondered at how easy it was to fall into his old routine from when he was "Mad Baggins", although it seemed that he hadn't gone on any adventure yet. Perhaps the Valar had brought him back so as to change the fate of the quest. It had to be sometime this year. He had checked the Calendar and found it to be the year 1341 by the Shire Reckoning, the year of the quest. Perhaps this time he could change things, perhaps this time he could save Thorin Oakenshield from himself.

There was no use thinking about such things; the only thing that he can do is to go on with the life that he has now found himself in.

Bilbo sighed as he looked upon the sight of his hobbit hole. It truly was a very comely place, perfect for a hobbit that never had any adventures or did anything unexpected. But it was not perfect for a hobbit that was going to go on an adventure any day now.

First things first, he needed to gather supplies, he was grossly underprepared for what occurred (thanks to Gandalf), goodness that man had no idea the trouble he was putting Bilbo through. And he had to do this again! He wouldn't be getting any leather armour or swords from any of the hobbit merchants, he would have to travel to Bree, something he really didn't want to have to do. Or he could purchase the leather himself and make the armour, and go without the weapon until he reached the troll horde again. He looked down at the knives on his dining room table.

He could always fight like a gentleman, knives would work. At least until he got back sting.

He would need enough leather for a rain-hood, he could still use his mother's backpack like he had last time. She had a bow and arrow that he could use, but it would be no good in his hands, not having shot an arrow since he was small and his mother arrive. A cloak with some more pockets, maybe, to keep the necessities in, especially when the ponies bolted and they lost half their supplies. A warmer bedroll would be nice as well. Some dried foods to last the journey. He would need as much of that as he could carry. And a new water-skin…

Bilbo's thoughts went about that manner for the better part of the night, whilst he stayed awake making lists and plan and drawing maps. He wrote a letter for his grandfather, the Thain, to explain about how he would be leaving for quite a while, and instructions to NOT, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, allow anyone to think he was dead and to auction off his affects. It was not nice to come back to an empty home.

That week he trained and packed, learning he had a knack with throwing knives, it coming naturally to him as stone throwing did. He continued to stock up on all types of food, planning on throwing a feast for his long lost comrades.

Now all he had to do was wait. Wait for the arrival of a long dead friend…

* * *

It was a lovely day in the shire, just leaving springtime, just leaving springtime and entering summer. The sun was shining, the sky was blue and Bilbo Baggins, dressed in his nicest yellow waistcoat decided to relax a short while, blowing smoke rings from his seat on the garden bench. It had been a long couple of months, but Bilbo felt that if he wasn't ready to leave now, then he never would be. Last week he had visited the three trolls just off of the great east road, disguising it as a business trip to Bree (as a gentlehobbit such a thing was not unusual) so he finally had sting back. As well as a sword for Gandalf and Thorin each. Although how he would give them do them was another matter. His body was almost as sturdy as he remembered it to be after returning from Erebor and his pantries were so stocked he felt he could feed all of Hobbiton. This time, he would make arrangements for those he collected rent from and to manage his estates. Last time he had left in such a rush (thank _you _Gandalf) that it had been in absolute chaos, and his grandfather had to send a hobbit from tuckborough who was not very nice to his residents.

A shadow suddenly loomed over him and Bilbo looked up, annoyed at the loss of the sun. Well, well, if it wasn't old greyhayme himself. Bilbo had to stop himself from hyperventilating, this was not his old friend, this was a stranger. "Good Morning."

"What do you mean? Do you mean to wish me a good morning, or do you mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not? Or, perhaps you mean to say that you feel good on this morning. Or are you simply stating that this is a morning to be good on?"

Mahal, the wizard was just as annoying as he remembered him, perhaps even worse as when he was White he had a more permanent serious air and was not as prone to such sudden bouts of mischief.

"All of them at once, I suppose." He replied, looking at the wizard shrewdly. "Can I help you?"

Gandalf leant on his staff, looking disapprovingly down at the little hobbit. "That remains to be seen. I am looking for someone to share in an adventure."

"Ah!" Bilbo's eyes light with knowledge, "I knew I recognised you! You are the wandering wizard, Gandalf! My mother spoke highly of your adventures together, I still maintain the Big Person sized room she had made for you, in case you ever came and visited."

"So you know of me then?" Gandalf spoke in surprise.

"As much as tales can tell. Now come sit, sit, and tell me about this adventure!" Bilbo placed his most welcoming smile on his face and Gandalf grinned back, carefully making his way round to the bench on the other side of the fence to blow smoke-rings with what would become a dear friend.

"There is a quest, far to the east, that requires the services of someone light on their feet and willing to see the world."

"And I suppose you immediately thought Hobbit then." Inquired Bilbo between smoke rings.

"Well, I know no sneakier race than that of Hobbits, who can pass unseen by most if they wish, and certainly never gain the attention of the big people." Gandalf stated with a smile.

"There is no need to butter me up, Gandalf, I feel I might be ready for another adventure, but then again I think I should know all the details first. If you would be so inclined."

Gandalf looked across at the small hobbit beside him in wonder. "My, my" he muttered, "Hobbits really are such remarkable creatures. Well, the story of this adventure starts with a single solitary mountain…"


	4. An Unexpected Reunion

Friends Reunited

Thorin… may have messed with how things had happened the first time around when everybody met up in the rain. Instead of sending everybody on different tasks with the idea that they would all meet up at the burglar's house, Thorin had told Balin to have everybody meet up in Ered Luin, where they would travel together in the safety of numbers and prevent the number of disasters almost every member faced just travelling to the shire. Why, Glóin and Óin were attacked by bandits and lost a lot of coin replacing what was stolen, and Balin exhausted himself trying to find allies in the different dwarf settlements just before they had arranged to meet up.

This time Thorin had arranged an extra four days for everyone to meet up just outside the shire, so that they could arrive at the hobbit's house together. The wizard had already given them the address of where they were supposed to meet, so now Thorin was parked on the edge of a field where a hobbit had graciously allowed them to pen their ponies whilst they went about their business.

"Evening, Thorin" Called a voice from behind him, Thorin turned to see Balin trotting up to him, with Dwalin not that far behind.

"Hn" Thorin grunted at them, and returned to staring into the distance towards the hill he knew that Bilbo was under. He was so excited to meet his long lost friend again, but it wouldn't be the same, it wouldn't be the Bilbo he knew, that he travelled with, that he-. Well, it wouldn't be meeting an old friend, it would be meeting a stranger.

In truth, Thorin was scared, he didn't want Bilbo to hate him, or think of him as some grumpy, unreasonable dwarf. (Not that he was). He had no idea how he was going to face him again, especially when his last memory was of the tears he had shed over his death.

As he was brooding, the rest of the company (including Gandalf) had arrived, and were chatting merrily to each other whilst waiting for their leader to finally get up and perhaps actually lead them somewhere. Of course this would rely on Thorin stopping brooding, which as many people would attest to is a near impossible feat. Eventually, Dwalin came up and gave him a sound nudge, knocking him off of his perch. Thorin scowled in annoyance, "What?"

"We were just wondering, if you were going to actually lead us anywhere, perhaps to the burglar's house? Or just sit there scowling the whole night away?"

Thorin suddenly seemed a whole lot more nervous, and shifted, trying to hide the tension in his muscles. This time it was Dwalin's turn to question, "What?"

"Nothing, let's go then, shall we." Thorin grunted, and he slowly led them up the winding paths of Hobbiton.

He didn't think that he could ever forget the path to Bilbo's house, even though he had only travelled it once before, and even then he had gotten lost. This time though, he only had to lead them to the highest hill and find the glowing blue mark on the door. However he could only make it up to the front gate. The company caught up to their king as he rested all of his weight on the little hobbit fence leading to Bag-End, practically hyperventilating and looking pale as a sheet in the moonlight.

There was a roaring in Thorin's ears as he approached Bag-End again, slightly ahead of the rest of the company, he felt week at the knees and could distantly hear Dwalin shouting something at him. Oh, he was having a panic attack. Well that was perfectly justified, he supposed, in the face of things. There was a sharp pain in his cheek and the shock brought Thorin back for a moment. He glared at Dwalin who only shrugged back, unrepentant. "You were hyperventilating" He said in explanation.

"Right, you can do this." He thought, "Don't be an ass." The snickers he heard behind him led Thorin to believe that he hadn't managed to keep those thoughts solely in his mind.

"But, but, he's always an ass." Whispered Kili confusedly whilst his brother giggled in a very girlish way which he would be paying for later, yes he would.

Thorin straightened with a huff and marched towards the green front door. When he arrived he hesitated again and the entire company let out a sigh. There was definitely something wrong with Thorin today, he wasn't actually like the proud, stubborn, arrogant dwarf he usually did. Balin let out a great huff and smacked their illustrious leader around the head, ringing the doorbell hanging next to the portal.

Thorin scowled at him too, something that was becoming a habit, and stared vigilantly at the door.

There was silence for a moment and then the door swung open gently to reveal the face of Bilbo Baggins, their hobbit.

Gods he was just as he remembered, from the tips of his golden curls, to the soft leather of his bare feet and Thorin loved him for it. As he was staring, probably with a silly grin on his face, he failed to notice the thunderous expression on the little hobbits face and thus he was completely surprised when a ringing slap threw his face to the side, almost spraining his neck. Then the door slammed in their faces, bringing the company out of their shock.

"That good for nothing thief! I'll kill him, I'll kill him!"

"Well, it seems we are not welcome here"

"-most unusual for a hobbit, they are usually incredibly polite creatures."

"Haha… did you see that _nadad_, no wonder uncle was so afraid to come up here."

All the while Thorin was laughing, he remembered! He remembered him! His Bilbo was back! Suddenly he couldn't hold back anymore and Thorin's large guffaws echoed across the hills. The company stared at him in wonder. He even thought that Ori's eyes would pop out of his head if they opened any more. When he had finally calmed down enough to breathe he addressed the company.

"I deserved that."

If anything it made everybody more suspicious. Thorin sighed. "Mr Baggins and I have a history together, and we didn't leave on what I would call 'good terms'."

It was then that the door opened a second time.

* * *

Bilbo stared at his hand, leaning against the door to his smial. Why had he done that? Thorin would hate him now, a complete stranger smacking him as he arrived as a guest? Not good, not good at all. Bilbo thought he would die in shame as he heard the shouts of the dwarves behind the door. No, no, no, what was he doing? He was a shame to hobbit kind, leaving guests loitering on the doorstep. He would just have to suck it up, apologise, and invite them all in to the feast he had spent all day preparing _so that he made a good impression_. Honestly, what was wrong with him? It was then that he heard the laughter. So joyful, he had heard it only once before. About halfway through the quest, after the first meeting with Azog where Thorin realised that he was alive and well and the company whole still.

"I deserved that." Came Thorin's muffled voice through the wood of the door.

Bilbo almost panicked then; he remembered. He remembered! How was this possible? Then he heard the rest of what Thorin said. Oh, he could have fun with this. Such fun. Slowly, Bilbo stood. He squared his shoulders, wiped all emotion from his face and opened the door.

"Well, well" He started, drawing every stare to him, "If it isn't Thorin Oakenshield, son of Thráin, son of Thrór, King under the mountain." Bilbo's passive face turned into a scowl rivalling one of Thorin's "I never expected to see you darken my doorstep."

Thorin opened his mouth but before a sound could come out Bilbo was ignoring him and focused on the others on his doorstep. "Gandalf!" he smiled, "It's good to see you again, and these fine dwarves must be the company you told me about." He stared at their frozen faces, "Well, come in, come in, I prepared a small meal for all of us, it's just through the hall, I'm sure Gandalf will show you" Bilbo finished. He pulled Thorin into the hall and shoved him to the side, unceremoniously, whilst gesturing further on into the home. "There's pegs and chests for all of your gear just to your lefts, if you need them." He continued as the dwarves merely stared and Gandalf chortled into his beard. "I hate to be a bad host, in fact it is practically a crime here in the Shire, but Mr. Stoic and I really do need to talk."

Bilbo smiled to them all and dragged Thorin of into a study on the side. He missed the looks each of them shared until Bofur spoke up "Well, he said there was food" All of a sudden there was a rush to find the promised meal, which abruptly halted again when they did find it. The company stood in awe at the food that was found there. "This is all, for us?" Glóin quietly asked. He didn't understand the hobbit at all. Gandalf just laughed again, stooping down to prevent banging his head on the low hobbit-sized ceiling. "Let us not forget that the generosity of Hobbits is rivalled only by the stubbornness of dwarves." He sat down at the edge of the tale and helped himself to the cheese. It looked like Bilbo had emptied out a full pantry to feed this party, but knowing hobbits, he had several more. The rest of the company sat down and began the party, only a few wondering about what was going on between their king and the fierce little hobbit they had briefly seen.

* * *

Meanwhile, Thorin and Bilbo were crying as they held each other in Bilbo's study, their hands grasping in their clothes desperately clutching what they could. They were both afraid that this was all just a dream and that their time together was limited. Eventually they both calmed and simply sat, holding hands, memorising each other's face.

"I missed you so much, _umral_. I know it hasn't been very long for me, but it felt like we had been parted for an age."

Bilbo looked down, as if in shame. "It has been quite a few years for me." He muttered, but then looked up, smiling. "It does not matter now, all that matters is that you have been returned to me." They shared another blissful moment together, basking in the presence of the other until Thorin mentioned something they needed to resolve.

"What do we tell the others?"

Bilbo stared into his deep, blue eyes. "I do not know. I do not think it would be wise to announce ourselves as _udâmai_ to the company, too many questions would arise."

"We need a cover story, for why we know each other, and why we supposedly hate each other now."

"I have to say, you were hilarious. I do not think I could keep from smiling when you dressed me down like that."

"I'm sorry I slapped you, it's just that I saw your face and got so angry."

Thorin sighed, "It's ok, I left you all alone, it was my folly that got me killed, as Gandalf once said, my pride was my downfall."

Bilbo sighed, and rested his head on Thorin's shoulder, thinking about what to do now. "Do you know if anyone else has returned?"

"No, I thought it was only me. I never imagined that we would be brought back together."

"I do not even know why I was brought back, if only to change the future. Prevent your- death" Bilbo choked out, "And then save the life of my nephew."

"Your nephew? I suppose you did live on after me. I had hoped that you would be happy after the completion of the quest." Thorin consoled.

"There is much to be discussed, old friend, far too much. I shall tell you on the journey. But for now" A sly smile spread onto Bilbo's face "Let's have some fun with our friends here, shall we?"

Thorin grinned in return and they got to planning. The cover story would have to be perfect, however there were few instances where Bilbo had actually left the Shire, so it would be hard pressed to find a time when they could have plausibly met. They decided on a period 10 years ago when Bilbo was 40 and had a habit of wandering around the outskirts of the Shire to see if he could join the bounders. Coincidentally, at that time Thorin was working as a smith in Bree, so they could have, theoretically, met up for some time.

The fun part would be what to tell them about their relationship. In truth they were merely very good friends, confidants, warriors in arms, but they did have a _very _good relationship. This of course led to the idea that perhaps they could pretend to be ex-lovers. That would certainly explain the way they knew each other so well. Also why Bilbo knew Iglishmek and a small smattering of Khuzdul and Thorin knew old high hobbitish.

As they finalized their plans, Bilbo and Thorin thought one thing; "This was going to be fun."


	5. The Almost Marriage of Bilbo Baggins

Friends Reunited

The company of Thorin Oakenshield, minus one or two members, sat merrily eating the feast that their host had prepared earlier, chatting away and reacquainting themselves with old friends. It was a nice rest to prepare themselves for the long journey ahead where there would be scant food other than what they could find and uncomfortable nights on the forest floor. At this point they were practically dancing all over the table, food flying through the air, it was such a jolly atmosphere. Gandalf sat in the corner with a plate and a glass of wine, laughing occasionally at the antics of Dwarves. They had all but forgotten about their leader and his 'talk' with the host until they heard voices echoing through the walls, even over the party din.

"Sorry? Sorry! Is that all you can say to me, your royal bastardness, after all these years you suddenly turn up and say sorry?"

The dwarves suddenly fell silent at the voice of the hobbit, sharing glances with each other. Gandalf raised both of his bushy brows into his hairline.

"Well what do you want me to say, do you want me to humbly beg for your forgiveness on my knees?!"

"It's not like you ever would even if you asked! You and your pride, how about a better apology, how about not _ignoring me for 10 years_."

"I didn't mean to leave you!"

"Even if you didn't, is it too hard to just to send a note?! You didn't even have to know my address, I'm a hobbit; all you need to put is my name and the damn Shire!"

"Well I'm sorry if I had more important things to occupy my time, like the wellbeing of my people!"

"You never liked me at all, did you, it was all a lie. I should've known, you were always too good for me."

There was a scoff, "What in Mahal's name gave you that idea? I have been nothing but understanding to you, even when you went off with those Tree-Shaggers!"

"Don't you talk badly about him, he was the only one nice to me when you, when you left!" Bilbo's voice seemed to choke on the words and several members of the company wondered if the little hobbit was crying.

"I didn't mean to leave." Thorin repeated uselessly.

There was a pause for a few moments.

"You didn't even send word."

"I know it's too late, but I am sorry." (This was almost too quiet to hear, and the companies straining meant that the next line hurt some ears.)

"Sorry's not good enough, YOU LEFT ME AT THE ALTER!" Came Bilbo's indignant shout

After that there was a more complete silence, no-one daring to breathe, "How did none of us know this?" whispered Dwalin to his brother. Balin made shushing sounds and leant towards where the shouting was coming from, straining to hear Thorin's response.

"I'm sorry… I just, couldn't"

'Oooooh….'Came the thoughts of every married dwarf at the table, cringing.

"Is that all you can say for yourself? There I was, in my best waistcoat, flowers in my hair, waiting! Do you know how long I stood there? Of course you don't, you weren't there. I stood so long my legs seized up and _he _had to carry me away because it became too dark to see any more! I kept telling him that you'd turn up, I waited and waited and you NEVER CAME!"

"Ooooh, so you went off with HIM as soon as I was gone? I always knew that you liked that leaf-eater better than me!"

"Well maybe if I had agreed to marry him I wouldn't have been STOOD UP"

"Hah! I knew there was something going on! Maybe you _should_ have married him!"

"Well I would have! But I was too enamoured with your surly arse! He asked before we even started courting!"

"Hah! Good, I never understood what you saw in him, he was far too tall for you."

"Well if you must know, he was kind and actually listened to what I had to say, and took care of me when you buggered off to Yavanna knows where!"

"The pointy eared bastard is not good enough for you." Thorin said with an air of finality.

"HOBBITS HAVE POINTY EARS TOO, YOU ARSEHOLE."

There was the sound of a smack and then feet stamping coming closer. The dwarves all hurriedly arranged themselves back around the table and resumed chatter just in time for Bilbo to storm around the corner. He appeared almost taken aback at the sight of them, as if just remembering they were there. His eyes were suspiciously red and he sniffed a little before talking to them.

"I've just remembered what a terrible host I've been, do you need anything, anything at all? A drink perhaps, or some more food? If there's not enough I could always rustle up some more."

There was silence as all the dwarves stared in wonder at the brave little hobbit, clearly distressed but still offering to help them. It was broken by Gandalf's laughs, "What did I tell you, the generosity of hobbits far exceeds the stubbornness of dwarves." The company agreed that this indeed appeared to be true.

In the end it was Dori who spoke up first, "Don't worry yourself, dear, we're fine, in fact this is too fine a feast for the likes of us."

This was met with a slew of agreements from the others around the table and resulted in many offers for him to join them at the table, which he eventually did. Just as Bilbo was piling food on his plate (a hungry hobbit is not a happy hobbit after all) did Thorin come in, looking as stoic as ever, obviously having cleaned himself up, and if the handprint on his face looked a little bit redder, nobody was going to comment on it.

Bilbo glared at him as he sat down, but returned to his plate after a few moments. Thorin grabbed some food as well and began to eat, pointedly looking everywhere but the hobbit. The atmosphere was tense, with no dwarf wanting to annoy either their leader or their host, or in fact make mention that they had heard the end of the argument. Instead they worked on filling themselves with food so that they couldn't talk without choking.

* * *

After eating their fill the dwarves slowly began to tidy the table, passing around and cleaning the dishes with the minimum amount of noise possible lest they incur the attention of either Mr Baggins or Thorin who were still sat at opposite ends of the table glaring at one another. Eventually it was Balin who spoke up first.

"What news from the meeting in Ered Luin? Did they all come?"

Thorin finally looked away from his scaring contest to answer him (Bilbo hid a small smirk that he had won, seen only by Nori, who was studying him). "Aye. Envoys from all seven kingdoms."

The rest of the company perks up a bit at this and starts to talk to their neighbours at the table.

"What do the dwarves of the Iron Hills say? Is Dain with us?" Called out Dwalin, unable to bear the suspense any longer.

"They will not come." Thorin seems almost a broken man at this admission, ashamed to let down those who are loyal to him, "They say this quest is ours, and ours alone."

Bilbo stopped glaring at Thorin for a moment to ask the reason for why they were all in his smial, "You're going on a quest?" The words come out disbelievingly and Thorin turned his attention back to him,

"Yes, though it is no concern of yours." He bites out scathingly.

Gandalf senses the rising tension and tries to get a word in, "Now, now, Bilbo, my dear fellow, let us have a little more light."

But Bilbo would have none of it and rose to his feet again, glaring at Thorin. "I don't see why not. This is my home you have invaded with your followers, for the intent and purpose of coercing me onto this gods' forsaken _adventure_ of yours. Or am I no longer worthy to be in your presence, Thorin OathBreaker?"

The gathered dwarves gasped at the insult, but Thorin only rose to his feet as well and began shouting back. "One time! I do that one time and you never let up on it!"

Bilbo opened his mouth to shout some more but stopped, looking at the company in front of him. The words that he spoke flew gracefully out of his lips, almost dancing in the air and the party thought of soft grass, fields of flowers and all things gentle and green in the world. Gandalf raised his bushy eyebrows in interest.

When Thorin replied in that same language it did not sound as pretty as when Bilbo spoke but had a soft elegance. Gandalfs eyes looked they were going to pop out.

Dwalin leant over to the wizard sat beside him "What is it their sayin'?" He asked.

Gandalf huffed on his pipe, "I'm afraid not even I can speak this language, Master Dwalin. It is not a language of any man, elf, or dwarf."

"Then what is it a language of?" He all but shouted, it now being the only way to be heard over the roaring Thorin and Bilbo were making.

"Of Hobbits, Master Dwarf!" Gandalf paused for a moment, then sighed. "If Thorin speaks this language then there is little to no doubt that he was to marry our burglar."

"Hah!" suddenly exclaimed Bilbo, whilst Thorin sat and sulked I his chair.

"Balin, fetch Mr Baggins a contract." He grunted out "We have our burglar."

There was much exclamation and excitement about this news. The little they had seen (and the even smaller part they understood) of Bilbo Baggins led to the opinion that he was a fierce warrior who could stand up to their king and even win arguments against him. Kili and Fili were already regarding him with something akin to awe.

"And now that that has been sorted, I found some interesting items off of the Great East Road the other day and I was wondering if you might like to take a look at them?"

"What kind of things, Bilbo lad. I didn't know you had travelled so recently."

"Yes well, I do like a walk as much as the next hobbit. I found a couple of elvish blades, actually. Truly I had no idea what to do with them but it wouldn't have been right, just leaving them there."

"Quite right, quite right,"

Thorin, however, was not so enthusiastic, he had frozen, staring at the hobbit. "Bilbo" He drawled slowly, the word sounding twisted on his tongue, "Where did you get the swords?"

Bilbo paled and pleaded something to him in hobbitish. Thorin only growled and pointed to the door. Bilbo sheepishly nodded and they went to have a conversation *cough* argument *cough* outside.

The dwarves all looked at each other as their leader and his "little love" as Bofur was now calling their burglar, worked out what seemed like a mountains worth of issues in the front garden.

"Well, that went well." Stated Balin. Dwalin laughed.

"Who knew that the King had a little hobbit lover tucked away all this time."

"I don't know, they seemed to not get along very well if you ask me. Will it be alright taking along someone that King Thorin hates?" Ah Ori, always the picture of innocence.

"No, Thorin doesn't hate him, I don't know about our burglar, but Thorin doesn't feel any resentment towards him, he's just too stubborn to show it."

Bifur signed with Bofur speaking out-loud for those who weren't looking, "The hobbit still loves the King, he's just angry. I think he agreed to the quest because he was scared that Thorin would leave him again."

"Aye, that was a right bastard move he made then, skipping out on his own wedding and then leaving with no word?" Gloin muttered to those around.

"So when do you think we'll find them kissing each other's face off?"

"Nori!"

"What?"

"I bet a week."

"Ori!"

"Well I think it's sweet, lovers reunited after a mysterious separation on their wedding day!"

"Hey! Kili said as he listened to the many conversations currently being held. "Do you think Bilbo knows Khuzdul?"

Balin looked over thoughtfully at that "Why would you say that, Kili?"

"Well, Uncle was speaking in some kind of hobbit language that Gandalf said even he didn't know, so it must be some kind of secret language, so if Thorin knows the secret hobbit language, why wouldn't his fiancée know the secret dwarf language?"

Fili looked in awe at his brother, "That must have been the smartest thing I've ever heard you say."

"Shut up" He nudged Fili off of his chair.

"Here, Mr Gandalf, what language was it they were speaking?" Called Dori.

"It is a language far more secret than you realise. Truly you are blessed to have heard it at all. It must have been something very secret and private they were saying to even allow you to hear it." He took a draw of his pipe and huffed. "The language you heard, I have only ever heard thrice in passing, including today. It is Old High Hobbitish and not even all hobbits speak it any more. It is taught almost exclusively to the Hobbit Royal line, (although if you ask them all hobbits will claim that they do not in fact have a king, thank you very much, and to leave them alone) and it holds great power within it."

"Yeah, I thought I felt something when Bilbo spoke it."

"Yes, the very words hold life within them. I will count myself truly blessed if I ever manage to hear one of the few songs sung with them."

"Is Mr Boggins a prince then, like us?"

"Hah!" Gandalf grinned, "You shall have to ask him that yourself, as long as you promise to let me see his face."

"Done."


	6. His Royal Highness, Bilbo Baggins

Friends reunited

Thorin and Bilbo stood glaring daggers at each other in the little garden in front of the Front Door.

"So." Bilbo started. "What did you want?"

"Don't you play that game with me! You went and took on 3 trolls by yourself!"

"Yes, well, I had to check."

"Check what, the treasure, the gold, do not tell me you are becoming gold-hungry, Bilbo."

"No." He sighed "I had to check that I could do it."

"I don't understand." Thorin had a perplexed look on his face. It was proof that this was his Thorin, come back him now. The old Thorin would have never admitted to such a thing and would have carried on pretending he knew.

"I am a hobbit, yes?" Thorin nodded "I am a soft, weak person who has no place in the wild, yes?"

"No Bilbo, you're not, you're the best of us all." He said softly.

"Ah, but I am, well. I was. I didn't have a journey across all of middle earth to toughen me up this time, so I trained on my own. And I thought to myself, where can I find real enemies to test myself with so close to the Shire? And thus I found some trolls and proceeded to make light work out of them, so now I _know _how good I am."

"Oh Bilbo. You always were far too practical."

"Yes, well, I am a Baggins of Bag-End, I am nothing if not practical."

They shared a conspirital laugh at this which faded leaving them with grins on their faces.

"I still do not like you going on your own."

"Well, I shan't have to now, I can look after myself, I know now, but it is much easier to look out for each other."

"So…" Thorin started conversationally, "Did you see their faces?"

"I know! It was fantastic. I thought I was going to burst holding in my laughs."

"It was a bit mean of you to call me that, though."

"Well, you did break an oath."

"One time! And I'm not sure that forgetting to wash when I promised you I would do so weekly really counts!"

"You stank something terrible."

"We were a little bit preoccupied with staying alive."

"I was a little bit preoccupied with preventing my nose from fleeing my face at the stench."

"They probably thought we were talking about our "wedding" weren't they?"

"Probably. Did you see Gandalf? I thought his eyes were going to pop-out!"

"Would have served him right, meddling old coot."

"He does what he thinks is best."

"Thank you for agreeing."

"Anytime it doesn't inflate your great head"

Thorin looked a little put out with that but accepted it in grace. "Well, are you going to take me too these swords you found then?"

Bilbo grinned "Well, if I must, your majesty." He said, bowing low. "I myself found a most useful letter opener among them."

"Oh don't you start again."

"Now remember, scowly faces, so just, be normal."

Thorin took a swat at the hobbit. "You go first."

Bilbo fixed his face and nodded, opening the door.

"Ah, Bilbo, I hope our leader is still in one piece?" Came the soft voice of Gandalf as soon as he had stepped inside.

"Yes, yes, he's fine. Or as fine as he ever is. Now, did you want to see what I found?"

"Of course, I admit I am very interested to know what you have brought back from one of your adventures."

"Adventure? No. It was a walking holiday to Bree and I just stumbled across some trouble on the road."

"Most unfortunate indeed. Where is Master Oakenshield, Bilbo?"

"He's still outside, he'll be with us in a moment. Now where did I put them?" Bilbo muttered as he began to totter around his smial looking for his treasure room. "Oh yes! I remember, I put it all in the box in my study, not like I'll be needing any of it any time soon. I was going to move it to the basement but I just hadn't had time..."

He came back carrying a chest that only just rested I his arms and with 2 swords and a dagger. "Here we are." He declared, dropping them delicately onto one of his smaller tables, it was an antique after all.

The commotion brought the dwarves over to see what they were doing, just as Thorin came back in to the house after listening in with no little amusement to the gossip of his company.

"What's all this then?" Asked Nori, attracted by the thought of valubles.

"Just some things I picked up on one of my travels recently. Here Gandalf, these are a tad too big for a hobbit", he said, handing over Orcrist and Glamdring.

"I'd say so" He muttered, taking Glamdring out of its sheath. "These were not made by any smith among men. They were forged in Gondolin, by the high elves, you could not wish for a better blade. You were very lucky in finding these, Bilbo."

"Well, I've no use for them, you can have that one then, Gandalf, and Mr prickly over there can have the other one."

The dwarves all snorted and refused to look at the glowering face of their leader who said nothing, only took the sword and placed it onto his back.

"What's in the chest, Mr Bilbo?" Asked Bofur curiously, playing with the ends of his hat.

"Hmm? This chest? It's just some gems and gold I found in there, I honestly don't know what to do with them, either. He pretended to think for a moment, "Do any of you Dwarves want some? I know you all like shiny things and stuff."

The chest he had taken back from the troll cave was decidedly larger than the one he had originally gotten, in fact he had also taken that chest, and had it stored away in the back of the smial so that he could at least make sure Frodo had something to live off if he ever left the Shire. These gems would do them well in the quest, if they could sow them into clothes then they would have more resources to perhaps stay in a few inns or barter with Bard for passage across the lake. Money always came in handy outside of the shire, Bilbo had learnt.

The dwarves looked at him like he had just gone crazy, Bilbo only shoved the chest into Bifur's hands and walked off with Gandalf, talking about the little knife he had found along with the swords.

They all stared at their leader who was looking at them impatiently. "Well? Get on with it, distribute whatever's in their between yourselves so that we have more coin to take with us on our journey."

When they didn't move Thorin huffed and explained some more, "Hobbits have no love for gold or gems and honestly become quite confused with what they are supposed to do with them when they come across any. Bilbo calls them Shinies because he says that that is all they do, he's probably been wondering about whether or not just to throw most of them in the river and only save a keepsake."

They looked at Thorin incredulously.

"You're not having us on, are you?" as Dwalin

Thorin sighed, "Go ask him if you must". When nobody moved Thorin sighed again, something he believed he would find himself doing quite often. "He gifted that chest to the company, probably so that we'd have some coin to sew into our clothes for the journey. Hurry up and accept it, you are doing him great insult."

There was a small scramble as Bifur placed the chest on a table and opened it revealing piles of gold and gemstones shining in the light. The dwarves were entranced. "And you're sure that he's giving this to us?" Asked Dori.

"For Mahal's sake, BILBO!" Shouted Thorin "Bilbo!"

"Yes, what?" He came in scowling, drying his hands on a dishcloth, Gandalf tailing behind.

"The rest of the company do not believe that you gifted them this chest."

"What?" He asked, turning to the clustered dwarfs. "Of course I gave them to you, I said you could have them, didn't I?"

The clustered dwarfs turned to him.

"Are you sure it's okay, Mr Bilbo, sir?" asked Bofur, hat between his hands.

"Oh for Yavanna's sake." Bilbo exclaimed and started to evenly divide the treasure into 14 piles, "Oh, I beg your pardon, Gandalf, did you need any gold?"

"That's quite alright Bilbo, my boy, I'm set"

"Right you are then." He said, and made swift work of the gold, "There, a pile for each of you to secret about your person in case we hit upon hard times in our venture. Now why you couldn't do that yourselves I have no idea." Bilbo looked thoughtfully at Thorin, "Do you think it enough to last us till Erebor?"

Thorin turned to their Banker, "Gloin?"

"What?" He asked, wrenching his gaze away from the substantial gift that had just been thrust upon him, "Yes, yes, this should be plenty, more than enough really."

Bilbo breathed a sigh of relief, "oh good, I'd hate to find ourselves without funds when we really need them."

"Bilbo, might I ask, what are you planning to do with your share of the profits when we reclaim Erebor?"

Bilbo paused, "Err… Hmm…" He opened and closed his mouth a few times. Then shrugged and looked expectantly at Thorin who only sighed. Gandalf chuckled quietly to himself in the background. "Maybe... Gift it to a friend?"

Thorin snorted, "If you think I'm letting you give anything to _him _then you have another thing coming."

Bilbo sniffed, "I don't know what your problem with him is, he's a perfect gentleman. And he likes shinies almost as much as you dwarves do."

"He's only a gentleman to you, he's a bastard to me."

"Well you're a bastard to everyone so I don't see what room you have to complain here."

"I hate you."

"I hate you too, dear."

The dwarves looked between the two like a tennis match. Balin spoke up, "I don't understand, laddie, if you don't want the treasure, why are you coming with us?"

Bilbo looked thoughtful for a moment. "I have heard many tales about the greatness of Erebor, out of all the dwarf kingdoms that it was the greatest." He paused, pulling up his bracers, "But most of all it was a home. I have a home, but you guys don't. And even if I have issues with your leader, I would still like to see you reclaim yours."

Some of the dwarves looked tearful at this admission that someone they only just met would go through so much with them.

"You've got a good soul there laddie." Balin whispered.

They took a moment to themselves until Kili nudged Fili with his elbow, pointing at Bilbo.

"Ow. What?"

"Mr Baggins!" He hissed

"Oh right, Hey, Mr Boggins?"

"Baggins, Fili" Bilbo sighed.

"Yeah, are you are a prince?"

"I beg your pardon?" Bilbo spluttered. Thorin sighed again, wondering if his life was about to end so soon after getting it back and walked to sit in the lounge in his favourite armchair next to the fireplace.

"Are you a prince?" Fili asked again, face beaming with curiosity.

"I most certainly am not, wherever did you get that idea?" He stated, turning to look suspiciously at Thorin who had disappeared. Gandalf coughed discretely behind him. "No, no, the shire doesn't have a king, never needed one."

"Wait if you don't have a king, who manages your military? Or your politics?" That was Balin, who was looking interested at this newfound insight into shire workiings.

Bilbo looked thoughtful for a moment, "Well, there's always the Thain. He's what we use when we need to muster the bounders or if there's a really big argument, like about a will. Those can get nasty. The Thain right now is Gerontius Took, if you need it for your book there, Ori."

Ori nodded in thanks and started to burrow into his bag for his book.

"Well, if you're not a Prince, what are you then?" asked Kili.

"He's a burglar of course! Isn't he?" spoke up Dori.

Bilbo put on his fiercest scowl. "A Burglar! I've never stolen a thing in my life. Unless you count farmer Maggot's crops -which nobody does- or those pies that old Proudfoot used to make. Where ever are you getting these ridiculous notions?"

Almost at one all of the dwarves turned to Gandalf. Bilbo saw where they were looking and raised an eyebrow. "A Burglar am I? You are quite lucky my Grandfather hasn't heard about this or I suspect you would be banned from the shire forever."

"Yes, well."

"Where is that Contract I was supposed to sign, I'm pretty sure we should change some of the aspects, no?"

"Quite right, laddie. I'll go work on that. But if you're not a burglar, what are we hiring you as?"

"You can hire me as a Hobbit, Master Balin, for that is what I am. Incredibly light on our feet, and we can pass unseen by most. If those traits are conducive to burglary, well, that's our secret."

"Come, Ori, I think you should help with this contract."

Before Balin could leave, Ori who was intrinsically curious about everything, asked, "But what is it you do for a living, Mr Baggins, if you're not in the burglary trade?"

"I'm a gentle-hobbit, if you must know." He said with an air of finality.

"What does that entail, exactly?" Ori pleaded as he held his book open, ready to write.

"Oh, I collect monies from the people who live on my land, deal with small disputes, that sort of thing. A bit of a business sometimes."

The others looked at him in shock, "You're a lord? A titled lord?" Asked Balin.

"No, no, we don't have lords in the shire."

"But how can you have land then? Only lords are permitted to own land?"

"Well it was my mother's land, before she passed away, Belladonna Took, there's a portrait of her above the mantelpiece."

"Belladonna… Took." Asked Balin

"Yes, that's right, she always going off on adventures. Probably why Gandalf recommended you to me."

"Any relation to the current Thain?"

"Yes, she was his favourite daughter, actually. That's why he gave her so much land when she went to marry my father. The whole of hobbiton in fact."

"So… the Thain is your Grandfather?"

"Yes, what about it?"

The dwarves all looked at him incredulously.

"And you're not a prince?" Kili asked.

"No, still not a prince."

"But your grandfather is Thain?"

"Yes. Where are we going with this?"

Gandalf burst out laughing, "That is quite enough, I should think. Let me help. Bilbo, who was Thain before your grandfather?"

"Well his father Fortinbras." Bilbo made a motion with his hands, trying to see where Gandlaf was going with all this.

"And who is set to be Thain after your Grandfather?"

"Well, there's some debate about that of course, half the shire thinks it should go to his eldest son, Isengrim, only he has no spouse and no children, so the other half is leaning towards his second oldest Isumbras."

"So…. The Thain is the person who manages your military, and your government, and it's passed down hereditary. So he's a king?"

"No, we don't have kings in the shire!" Bilbo all but exploded.

"Bilbo, how many people would have to die, if they all died at once, for you to be Thain?" Gandalf queried, just because he liked to annoy poor defenceless hobbits.

"What a morbid thought, Gandalf, but I'll humour you if only so that we can get this whole conversation over, err…" He made a thoughtful motion and started counting on his fingers "Not including the current Thain, of course, there's Isengrim, Isumbras, his son Fortinbras, my favourite cousin, you know, Hildigrim and his son Adalgrim, he's like me, half baggins, half took, Isembold he doesn't have any children yet, my uncle Hildifons disappeared on an adventure when I was a fauntling, Isembard and his son Flambard, Hildibrand, his son Sigismond who is the same age as I am, and then me. So, if I was to be thain…. We'd have to search the river for 10 people. Not that I'd want to mind you, I like my Took family very much, thank you. Now I'm off." And Bilbo stalked off into the sitting room, away from Dwarves and their frustrating wizard.

* * *

The company of Thorin Oakenshield stared at their hobbit's back as he flounced off to the sitting room. A prince, he was a prince, they were taking a prince off to face a dragon, oh Mahal.

"And not just any royal, but the Thain's favourite grandchild." Spoke up Thorin from where he leant in the doorframe behind them.

"Oh aye, the whole shire's going to kill us. We're going to be massacred by fussy little people in their best waistcoats by their gardening tools." Moaned Bofur.

"Yes, yes they are." Drawled Thorin, "Come Balin, let' write a letter to his Grandfather explaining where he's gone."

"Yes, that's probably for the best..." muttered Balin, trailing off behind his leader.


	7. Letters to Royalty

Friends reunited.

_Greetings, Gerontius Took, Thain of the Shire._

_ I am King Thorin II of Durin's Folk, son of Thráin II, son of Thrór, King under the mountain. I would like to formally inform you of a contract of employment between myself and your esteemed grandson Bilbo Baggins. He has most graciously agreed to journey with me and 12 companions to reclaim our lost home, the Kingdom of Erebor, from the Dragon, Smaug, Greatest of Calamities. _

_I admit that I did not expect to find anybody willing to help us within the Shire no matter what our other companion, Gandalf, the grey wizard, had said, yet your grandson was brave enough to accompany us. For this I shall protect him with my life, and if I should fall during this task my sister's-sons and heirs to my line, Kili and Fili shall protect him in my stead._

_Your grandson is a credit to your line and should you require anything, please send word to my sister, Dis, who currently resides in the Blue Mountains._

_ Hoping this finds you in good health,_

_ Thorin Oakenshield of the line of Durin. _

What on earth?

Thought Gerontius as he lowered the letter with shaking hands. That was awfully formal. And worrying. Especially that part about the Dragon, and it seemed that this Dwarven King didn't even expect to survive himself! Let alone promising the safety of his favourite grandson.

Slowly he picked up the other letter he had been given today.

_Dear Grandfather,_

_ Yesterday Gandalf came over to my Smial with the most interesting proposition, an adventure. Can you believe it? Me! Well, it seems that my Took blood is finally starting to show as I have agreed to accompany a band of Dwarves (including a King and his Heirs!), to get back their mountain after their most unfortunate infestation. They seem a decent folk, even though they offered me treasure for my services! Them being Dwarves, I do not think they realised what an insult it was. Well, they appreciate a good meal as much as a Hobbit and seem fond of singing and dancing as well. _

_I hope to be able to send more letters as I travel, but if not, I would like to leave my estate to Young Drogo Baggins and Primula Brandybuck in the hopes that it encourages them to stop dancing around each other and finally marry once they come of age, (how their parents can stand to see such love-sick tweens whilst the rest of us pulls our hair out, I do not know). Of course Fortinbras and the others should have a claim to anything that takes their fancy, I leave their discretion up to you. Of course, this is only just in case I run afoul of an Orc or some other such creature during the journey._

_I have arranged things with the Gaffer for the collection of my rent, but I hope you do not mind that I am trusting you with my holdings whilst I am away. Please try to prevent any large disputes whilst I'm gone. _

_Following in the footsteps of my mother,_

_ Bilbo Baggins, of Bag-End_

_P.S. Do NOT declare me dead until after 2 years have passed. _

That…. Was also very worrying, very worrying indeed. It seems that some dwarf King has run off with his lonely, impressionable grandson and taken him off into the wild. And on such short notice!

First things first, he was going to contact this Lady Dis and interrogate her about that no good brother of hers. If things ended up how he thought they would, he would muster the bounders, and the Rangers, to go rescue his Bilbo.

Yes, see how those dreadful dwarves liked that!

* * *

Thorin shivered on his perch on Bungo the Pony.

"Are you alright, Thorin? Left here. No, your other left… Now I know why it took us so long to get out of the shire last time" muttered Bilbo.

"I feel like someone just walked over my grave." Thorin said, as he continued to pretend to lead the company out of the Shire.

Bilbo stared. "How… Odd."

* * *

_Dis, Sister of Thorin, of The Blue Mountains,_

_ I write to you concerning both your brother and my most favourite grandchild. It seems that as your sibling passed through the Shire on his quest, he made off with my favourite daughter's (her soul with Yavanna) child. Now, as one leader to another, I would very much like to get to the bottom of this without any, shall we say uncomfortable actions. If you could please explain to me the reason for the disappearance of my grandchild (on a QUEST no less) and assist me in recovering him then I'm sure that everything shall resolve itself. _

_If you are agreeable, you would be most welcome to dine with us for afternoon tea on the Wednesday a week following the arrival of this letter, please send word back with the rangers, they know how to contact us. If not, please inform of your preferred meeting place and time and hobbit gentry shall attend._

_I would like to impress upon you how important this is, and hope for your continued cooperation. _

_ Yours faithfully,_

_ Gerontius Took, Thain of the Shire,_

_ The Great Smials_

_ Tukborough, Tookland_

Dis stared up at the ranger who had handed her the note, he was smiling slightly, as if trying not to laugh, and it wasn't doing anything for her nerves.

"Can I help you, master ranger?" She asked snidely, hands curling around the parchment, as if strangling that ass she called brother's neck.

"I'm sorry" The ranger admitted, "But I've never seen the hobbits in such a tizzy, whatever you dwarves have done to offend them I suggest you fix it right now, they're almost at a call to arms and it's just so amusing." He said, supressing a giggle.

"I didn't know there could be anything funny about a call to war." Dis replied pointedly.

"Well," The other ranger started, "have you ever seen a hobbit?"

Dis shook her head

"I don't know if I can describe it properly, but it's like watching children pretend to fight, it's just adorable." He nodded, contemplatively, "of course they are fierce little buggers when they want to be, in the back of your mind you're thinking about all the ways they can kill you without noticing, but the rest of you is just cooing."

"I don't envy the person that started all this, though,"

"Yeah, he's likely to be made into cream stew when the hobbits get their hands on him."

Dis buried her face in her hands, ignoring all forms of decorum. How did her brother get into these kinds of messes?

"Cream stew?"

It's like he's some kind of trouble god, it's just attracted to him.

"It sounded better in my head, ok."

Add he'd been acting strangely just before this damned suicide mission.

"Well maybe you should think about these sorts of things more, or better yet, just keep them to yourself."

What was going on with him these days?

"Hey! That was uncalled for."

Dis looked at the letter again, it seemed she _had _to go visit the king of the Hobbits and plead on her brother's behalf, nobody wanted a war.

"I know, I'm sorry, I just get carried away."

What was Thorin going to use a hobbit for anyway? Sometimes she wondered about him…

"I know remember that time in Bree, with the blacksmith's daughter?"

"We said we'd never talk about that, ever and in return I wouldn't bring up the sheep!"

"Excuse me" Dis coughed, "Are you perhaps going back to the shire after this?"

The two rangers looked up at Dis, then grinned sheepishly and untangled themselves from each other on the ground. The first spoke "Yep, we just came to deliver this letter, then we're right back on border control."

"Would you mind leading my entourage and I to the Thain?" She asked through gritted teeth, men really tested the limits of her patience.

The two rangers looked at the host of Dwarves behind her.

"Sure." They said, and marched off to collect their horses from their stables whilst Dis yelled obscenities in Khuzdul, thanking Mahal that she was starting the march to Erebor as her brother 'requested' (another that was odd about Thorin, since when did he order _her_? )when the note came. A short trip to the shire wouldn't hurt anyone. Besides, it was supposed to be a peaceful place, something that would be most welcome in these recent times.

* * *

The company stared at their burglar's back. It was the second night of travel and the wonders never ceased from the little hobbit. It was common knowledge to the company that their leader could get lost walking down a straight road and so they expected to take perhaps 3, maybe 4 days wandering the rolling hills of the Shire. However, unexpectedly they were ahead of schedule and actually someway along the great east road that Bilbo had said he'd seen trolls. This, whilst amazing in itself, was not what had surprised the Dwarves, especially Kili and Fili who almost fell off of their ponies laughing at one point yesterday. No, what was surprising was that the whole way out of the shire, Bilbo had rode next to their king hissing to him directions along with a string of rather creative cussing that went along with them.

Bofur was sure that Thorin and Bilbo were trying to be discrete about the whole thing, to cover their king's immense pride, which was sweet of the little hobbit and endeared him to Bofur all the more, only it was rather hard to pretend that you didn't know anything when they started yelling at each other right in the middle of the road (this was the point where the two devils were about to explode if they held in their laughter any longer), and then, and then, Bilbo had yelled right back! Before, Bofur admitted that it could have been the copious amounts of alcohol he had found in the hobbit's cellar that led him to hallucinate but now he could actually believe that they had once been lovers.

Yet, all of that paled in comparison to what he was seeing now. The company stared in shock as Bilbo ran around making provisions for the camp. He had stated, quite boldly in fact, that they were stopping _right that second_ and making camp in the little clearing off of the road that had obviously been used before quite recently, and by men.

Dwalin voiced this.

"Well of course it's been used by men, it's a ranger camp, it's a well-known place where the ranger groups protecting the shire camp when they're changing shifts."

Dwalin just shrugged and moved on, unconcerned now he had the information needed to protect Thorin.

Then Bilbo proceeded to order everybody (INCLUDING THORIN!) around, organising everything, as if they had never made camp before, and Thorin just _went along with it! _

Balin thought he was going to have a heart attack when Thorin just walked off to collect the bedrolls from the ponies, without sparing a glance at the palpitating Dwarrows behind him. He had been having heart trouble ever since Thorin revealed that he had almost initiated a royal consort, without contract that wasn't even a Dwarf, and that was Royalty himself! Unless it was a very, very, _very _prearranged agreement, marriages in-between direct heirs to royal families where frowned upon as it could cause issues between the two nations and things only got messier as time went on. That Thorin didn't trust him with the news of his engagement was a low blow to his pride, Balin was supposed to be his chief advisor and one of his closest friends, and even if he wasn't around at the time, he could have at least sent a note.

Luckily, it was at this point in Balin's train of thought that he noticed Bilbo signing to Bifur in Iglishmek and he fainted, having taken too much in on one day. Nobody caught him though, as they were all busy watching Bilbo have a conversation in archaic Khuzdul.

Thorin strolled back into camp, bedrolls under his arms, staring at the company, then at Bilbo.

"Yeah, he does that." He commented, and walked off.

Gandalf, standing to the side of the scene, stroked his long beard and laughed great guffaws which went largely unnoticed by the company. Bilbo, however, looked away from his conversation about where best to pen the ponies overnight and gave a disapproving glare.

Yes, this was the Bilbo Baggins he'd wanted, adventurous like his mother, but Baggins enough to handle. The relationship and his and Thorin's reactions were unexpected, but it really did just make the whole journey that much more entertaining.

It just proved he was right, hobbits really are amazing creatures. You can learn all that there is to know about their ways in a month and yet, after a hundred years, they can still surprise you.

…

…

…

Almost vindictively as well.


	8. War?

Bilbo Baggins and his on again, off again friend, Thorin Oakenshield sat companionably together at the edge of the Camp. They had visited the Troll Horde and had had _that _argument out of the way, so now they were just waiting for the disbelief to die down from the rest of the company. Gandalf had left earlier that day, citing the need to be on his own. Both Bilbo and Thorin knew he was going to talk to the elves in Rivendell about their arrival, the sneaky little bugger.

_"I have missed this" _Bilbo muttered in Hobbitish.

_"As have I, though I suspect for not as long." _Thorin replied in the same language.

The other dwarves backed away, recognising the speech as a prelude to a fight, in fact it was amusing how far. Bilbo had to stifle a laugh, remembering the "fight" they had had in his hobbit hole. In actual fact they were just discussing plans for the journey. Very loudly.

_"What do you mean?" Bilbo asked, contemplatively._

_"I have suspected this for a long time, you are a different hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, more jaded, how long did you live without me?" _Thorin stared into the distance.

Bilbo sighed _"I was wandering if you had noticed…" _

_"Tell me about it, please"_

_"I am old now. Though not yet as old as you, I suspect. You had died, Dain ruled under the mountain, and I returned to my home a changed hobbit. I lived there, just, day by day, existing. I adopted my cousin, his parents died when he was a fauntling and he gave me more of a reason to go on again."_

Bilbo paused, gathering his thoughts and reached for a bag of pipe-weed to settle his nerves.

_"When I had reached 111 years of age, I could bear it no longer. I had intended to return to the mountain, to see it one last time. But age caught up with me and I remained in Rivendell."_

Thorin snorted, despite himself, and Bilbo wacked him around the shoulder, suspecting that he had hurt his hand more than any part of Thorin, but still feeling vindicated.

_"Oh shush you. They were very nice to me. Thranduil kept in contact all those years, we aided each other in battle you know, and he let me stay in Mirkwood afterwards. He even visited me once or twice in Rivendell, but said that the Misty Mountains were far too much trouble to continually cross."_

Thorin said nothing, but glared into the distance.

_"I was 130 when I died, or there about, it gets hard to remember when your own mind plays tricks on you. I was sailing to Valinor with my son and the last of the elves, yes that includes Thranduil and his son, you great oaf." _Bilbo added before Thorin could comment.

There was silence for a moment as each thought about the lives they had led.

"I really buggered up your life didn't I?" Thorin growled out in Westron. The dwarves noticed this change and leaned in to listen.

"It wasn't so bad." Bilbo muttered into the wind, convincing himself.

"You had to seek solace from _elves" _Thorin growled out the last word as an insult.

"They were very nice elves. At least I didn't marry one, is what you should be thankful about." Bilbo huffed and turned to face the fire.

He noticed Kili and Fili trying to look inconspicuous behind a small bush and his eyes drooped, remembering.

Thorin turned around with him and noticed where he was looking. _"I won't send them to their deaths again, not if I can help it." _He vowed.

Bilbo smiled slightly _"No worries, I will be here to slap you 'round the head should you do anything _monumentally _stupid."_

Thorin raised an eyebrow, "Was that really necessary?"

"Yes, my lord Elrond."

Thorin choked.

Bilbo raised an eyebrow.

Thorin Blushed.

The dwarves backed away… slowly.

* * *

Dis was about to cry. She really was.

The hobbits were adorable, just as the Rangers who had left them at the borders had said. With their short stature and big hairy feet. It was not surprising they needed help from the Rangers to prevent kidnappings from women who would probably devour the little creatures. The problem was, all of these hobbits were rushing around as if the entire was on fire. She was sure she even saw some people making amour for their feet! Not boots, but plating that would cover from their knees to their toes.

Her brother had started a war.

It was even more apparent with the cold looks she and her company were gathering. Unfortunately, she was lost, so she gathered her courage, swinging herself down from her pony, and approached one of the more dainty looking woman who appeared to be baking with an outdoor oven.

She didn't get very far though, for as soon as she approached, the hobbit lass spun round blindingly fast, a knife in hand, threateningly.

"Can I help you?" She asked, disarmingly. Dis' attention was focused on the knife, still pointing at her.

"I was wondering if you could direct me to the Thain?" She asked, never taking her eyes off of the sharp implement.

"What?" The hobbit paused for a moment and then noticed where Dis was looking, lowering the knife with a giggle, "Oh my, terribly sorry, but we're all on edge a bit here. There hasn't been a war since exactly 200 years ago, with the Battle of Greenfields, it's all terribly exciting, and this time we're marching out!" She giggled again and Dis started to back away slowly.

"Of course that means we have to prepare the caravans, for war is no excuse for a lack of Good Food. Which is what I was doing just then, when I heard you walking up to me, and I thought to myself, no hobbit foot makes such a heavy sound, so I grabbed my knife and here we are! ….What did you want again?"

Dis was almost to the rest of her company when the hobbit had finished her chattering, "Err…" She answered elegantly.

"You're not a spy are you?"

"What! No, no, Dis, at your service." She said, managing to bow without lowering her arms or looking away from the clearly crazed hobbit girl. "I received a letter to meet with the Thain today for something called afternoon tea."

"Oh well, you're in completely the wrong place, why we're closer to Bree than anywhere near Tuckborough. No, what you want to do is head back West to Frogmorton, then continue through Bywater 'til you get to Hobbiton. Then head down the path south from there and you should get to the Great Smials. And don't worry about the time, you've got almos another 4 hours until afternoon tea. Speaking of which, I should probably start cooking luncheon right about now…" She trailed off and said a belated "good morning" to Dis as she edged away.

Did decided to take this conversation in stride and put it to her new-found knowledge about hobbits instead of erasing it from her memory as would be preferable.

She met her company with a blank stare, silently daring them to say _anything_ before heading East.

Hobbits.

She was seriously rethinking the sanity of her Brother.

* * *

"My Thain! The secret Bounders have reported that the company of Dwarves has gotten lost in Buckland, but asked young Amaranth Brandybuck for directions."

The Thain looked up from the mounds of paperwork on his desk, it looked like they only had enough food to supply their armies up to the misty mountains. He supposed he could keep a continuous caravan train to keep bringing food up from the harvests… Ah yes, Amaranth was one of his youngest grandchildren. Strange fascination with knives, that one.

"I suppose she set them straight then."

"Yes, My Thain."

Gerontius stared at the young bounder before him. "Why do you keep calling me that?"

"Calling you what, My Thain?"

"Yes! Why are you saying it like that?"

He shuffled his feet and mumbled something, his face turning red.

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that?"

"It makes it more fun, adds to the atmosphere." He sulked, and then dashed out of the Thain's study.

Gerontius sighed, the younger Tooks and Brandybucks were far too excited over this war, and he was receiving no end of earache from some of the older Baggins' and Proudfoots. Still, it gave the bounders something to do instead of turning around far too curious explorers that the rangers let through their borders. Really, they helped with the orcs and the wolves, but that was about it. Hobbits were supposed to be secret! Thankfully, almost nobody outside of Bree knew about their existence, and it was going to stay that way, even with the army marching halfway across middle earth. Hobbits are incredibly light on their feet after all, and will pass unseen by _all _if they know what's good for them. Meddlesome faunts, the lot of them.

Why Bilbo? Why did you have to have an adventure now? The bounders hadn't been able to catch him because nobody thought to report what the Grey Wizard was doing in the Shire again. It's Belladonna all over again. Where was the Grey Pilgrim when he was needed? Not here, that's where. Not saving the life of his eldest daughter. That's where. Leaving his most favourite Grandson to be left all alone and vulnerable and now kidnapped by Dwarves!

Well he was going to give this Dis a piece of his mind, yes he was.

"My Thain! Farmer Maggot reports that his harvest just came in, and he can spare another 3 caravans of food, he says he may as well give it away, before it gets stolen by little faunts anyway."

Oh Green Lady, save me, now it's spreading.

He made a note in his food ledger and waved the tween away. They had taken to using every available hobbit and most of the younger ones were running messages back and forth.

They only had about 400 strong for their army, about a 5th of their population, a pitiful amount, but it had been a long time since the Hobbits were at war, before his time certainly. It helped that they had another 150 professional bounders to even out the score. And this wasn't including the 50 left behind to protect those left in the shire. Not everybody could march to war or accompany the caravan. Some were too old, or too young, or had to look after the farms and livestock, and some where too Baggins to leave.

The entire shire settled down for luncheon. And Gerontius spent the time until afternoon tea in meetings with his children, who were, coincidentally, some of the major leaders of the Bounders and the Gentle Hobbits.

It seemed almost too soon for the Dwarven Company to arrive, even though tables were being laden with plenty of food, tea being boiled and ale drummed tapped.

They travelled slowly, on ponies being led by a very helpful tween.

They seemed surprised to be led to a hobbit hole, granted, one of the biggest I all of the shire, but still rather quaint by dwarven standards, he supposed. I mean, yes he was a very important hobbit, but it wasn't like he was a king. Honestly. The nerve of some people.

He supposed the dwarf at the front was their leader, but it was hard to tell whether he was a she, or she was a she, or she was a he? Anyway, all of their faces were obscured by ridiculous beards, and it wasn't helping anything. Not anything at all.

How the hell was he supposed to talk to it without making a fool of himself?

The boy leading the ponies stopped, and pointed at the Thain before running off, leaving the lead dwarf to dismount and walk over.

"Dis, daughter of Thrain, at your service," She said, bowing low.

So she was a woman then, best not to wonder about the beard.

"Gerontius Took at yours" He replied, not bowing quite as low, but he was the one wronged in this situation. "Shall we talk inside? My aides shall find your company something to eat."

He nodded to her and she to her entourage who dismounted, handing away their ponies and shuffling off after insisting hobbits.

"I have tea already set out for us, if you are agreeable to discuss business over a meal. I know it is terribly impolite of me, but I am a tad busy as of late." He trailed off, meaningfully.

Dis swallowed and waved them forward, "That's perfectly fine, I'm anxious to get all of this behind us as soon as possible."

They sat in a small room, dominated by the table laid out before them, seats at each end. It housed enough food for two hobbits, so easily 5 dwarves and perhaps 10 men. Dis looked a little shocked at the sight and Gerontius apologised.

"It's all we could spare, times being what they are, we're having to stockpile food. Now, what is this quest that your brother, King Thorin, wrote to me about?"

Dis swallowed her ale harshly, it was never a good idea to get drunk on foreign land but dear lord she needed something to settle her nerves. And Mahal that was strong, what do they put in their beer? Moonshine?

"In all honestly, your highness," She added to be polite and missed the wince that came with it, "I don't know where your grandson fits into the state of things, but I can explain as much to you as I can."

The Thain made a continuing gesture, but interrupted slightly, "It's just Gerontius, between us, my lady. I'm no king or highness, I'm just a Thain."

Dis squinted at him disbelievingly "Then I am no lady, just Dis."

"As you wish." Gerontius declared, and went back to his roast pork.

Dis sighed, deciding to just go with whatever else crazy thing these hobbits came up with. Not a king, honestly.

"We are Dwarves from Erebor, the lonely mountain, a kingdom far to the east. 170 years ago, during the reign of my grandfather, King Thror, the Dragon Smaug attacked Erebor, decimating our people. We wandered, homeless. Nobody would take us in and our numbers lessened year by year. Fewer dwarves were being born, which at the time was seen as a blessing for even more were dying of starvation."

Dis looked solemn and stopped eating to continue.

"Our grandfather had had the Gold-sickness for many years, some think it's what brought the dragon down, but that is neither here nor there. The point is that he was not in his right mind, but he was still the king. 29 years later, the king gathered all of us that were left and marched to Moria to try and retake our old homeland. It was folly, we faced innumerable orcs, not to mention Durin's Bane if we had succeeded, but he was our king, and we followed him anyway.

"We lost so much that day, the dead were uncountable, including my grandfather, and my younger brother, Frerin. He was too young to fight, but he was a prince. Our father went mad with grief and wondered into the wilds. We never saw him again. Thorin was made king, and he was a boy still, really."

"And what of this quest now, what of my Grandson?"

Dis looked up at the frowning face of her host. He was right, he did not need to hear their pasts.

"Word has come from the oracles that it is time to move again. Our race is dying, as I said, we cannot survive as refugees in other people's kingdoms. Thorin was approached by Gandalf, I heard, as he was out searching for news of our father."

"Gandlaf! That meddling wizard!" Gerontius explained, "I should have known. Too many tragedies stem from his tales. I was already considering labelling him as a Disturber of The Peace, but now I am sure." He noticed the shock on Dis' face at his outrage. "I'm sorry, please continue, now I understand how these things started."

"Right. Well, he encouraged my brother to take back Erebor, and I think he agreed half to get the wizard away from him, and half because we are in need of desperate measures. Thorin has always put himself first, the fool. No more than 12 Dwarves agreed to go on this quest with him, including my barely of age sons, and that makes 13. He tried to gain support of the leaders of the Iron hills, but they would send no men last I heard. 13 is an unlucky number. He would not travel as 13 and he would not leave any one of them behind. He asked Gandalf to find them a 14th member, and as far as I can guess, that is where your Grandson comes in."

There was silence at the table. All of the food around the Hobbit seemed to have disappeared, Dis noticed, but when he had eaten it she had no idea. She waited anxiously, picking at some food on her plate.

"Your brother," He started slowly, "Wouldn't happen to be… majestic? Would he?"

There was more silence as Dis looked around nervously.

"I thought so…" muttered the Thain to himself, "I thought so…"

He fixed Dis with a hard stare, "Well, from your tale I can just about guess what happened. Gandalf turns up and brings a horde of Dwarves to Bag-End with no notice. My grandson acts like the polite Baggins he is and stands ready to refuse the quest, then your brother arrives, in all of his majestic glory, seducing my poor, innocent, grandson, and Bilbo is whisked away on a dangerous quest to face a Dragon. "

He nodded to himself. "Look, I'm sorry about this, and I'm sure that you've tried to reason with your brother before, but Hobbits, especially Tooks, are just helpless against magesticness, which Gandalfs well knows." He went to talk about traditions and duty and something about winters and why marrying your neighbour's cow is never a good idea which went all over her head until and she just caught up in time for the last sentence, "which is why I am declaring war against the Company of Thorin Oakenshield."

"What?"

"Sorry about this, dreadful business and all that, but it really must be done, if you can give us a general description of your sons, we'll try and lay off them."

"You can't just go to war on 13 people!" Dis exclaimed.

"Why not? It's probably been done before, besides it's more of a rescue mission, but with an army."

"I can't let you do this, it's ridiculous!"

"NOTHING is ridiculous when it comes to saving my grandson. Imagine if they hadn't written me and I never found out about the kidnapping until months after he had gone so there was nothing that I could do, and then I waited in hope that he would come back and he does only all alone and _broken _because that is what great adventures" he spat "do to hobbits, they break them until they fade into nothing but a shadow, living for others but not for themselves."

He paused in his ranting, his eyes burning into Dis' face, "So if I do not fetch him back before he goes too far, before he sees another person die in front of him, I have lost him whether he lives or not."

Dis nodded, face grim, in understanding. "Very well." She stated, "My sons are young, very young, one has dark hair, no moustache and very little beard, he carried a bow, the other id very fair haired, perhaps the only one of the company with that shade, he has a twin beaded moustache and beard. He wields knives." Then she left, barking orders in Khuzdul, gathering her company, she rode out of the shire, not looking back.

Gerontius watched her leave with a sad heart, she hadn't even finished eating, how impolite. He supposed war was serious though, he coughed, loudly, to get everybody's attention.

"Alright Hobbits! We are at war! We march in two days' time so everybody get ready! We have to catch up and rescue Bilbo!" There was cheering from the surrounding Hobbits, ready for adventure. (There was also quite a bit of groaning mixed in, but Gerontius used his years of experience as Thain to ignore this.) "Spread the word!" He called and left them to it.

The Hobbits were marching to war.

* * *

Dis flew out of the shire, her men trailing behind her. She had to get a message to her Brother and her Sons. Why did he have to be such a fool? She had no idea about the size of the army going to catch them, nor any other relevant information. Nor had she anyone about her person that they could use as a spy, the Shire was far too open for that, a Dwarf would be spotted from miles away.

Still, she had to do something, perhaps prepare her people to march to Erebor as quickly as they could. The most disastrous event imaginable had happened.

The Hobbits were marching to war.


	9. Random Orc Attack

Since there was a distinct lack of Trolls in this new and improved journey, Bilbo and Thorin set quite the leisurely pace through the forest of Rhudaur. Bilbo later told Thorin that they renamed the place The Trollshaws because of the three monstrous troll statues that resided there. And they probably would again, now that there were three monstrous troll bodies lying just off of the Road.

Unfortunately, Thorin, in his Pride, and Bilbo, because to him it had happened practically 100 years ago, forgot about the orcs that were hunting them until one of their mounts tried to eat Thorin's head. Honestly, the nerve of these wargs, so impolite.

Luckily, they had managed to stumble across Radagast some 10 minutes previously, so he was all for drawing the orcs away from the bumbling company. This time around, they were a lot quicker; actually having managed a night's sleep beforehand and not smelling of troll must have helped in some small way.

"Where are you leading us?" Thorin barked to Gandalf. Not out of suspicion, as last time, but out of exasperation that the wizard hadn't thought to remember where they were going. This time around, he knew that going to Rivendell was a necessary evil. They had managed to… procure… quite a bit of food, and had the map read by lord Elrond last time around. It was also a nice place to rest if you weren't a dwarf, and Bilbo certainly looked like he needed it. How had he not noticed how ragged they were running their hobbit before? Whilst the map wasn't entirely necessary, it would keep Gandalf off of their backs for a while longer. He was already looking at Bilbo curiously since after he had seen the trolls.

Just then the orcs decided that the company of Dwarves that they were supposed to go after were probably a better target than a crazy man with a Rabbit sled that they couldn't catch anyway. Typical.

"Move, Run!"

Yes, thank you Gandalf, because we really needed encouragement.

"There they are!" Spots Gloin and the entire company sprints across the plains next to the Great East Road.

"This way! Quickly!" Calls Gandalf, but soon there are wargs on all sides and nowhere to run to.

Kili calls out, seeing more orcs, approaching quickly, "There's more coming!"

"Kili! Shoot them!" yells Thorin, desperately trying to remember how the hell they had gotten out of this situation last time.

"We're surrounded!"

'We know, Fili', thinks Thorin, snidely, but at least it gets his brother to finally start shooting at the wargs and their riders. At this rate they were all going to die before they even reach the mountain, and Thorin would have failed, again.

Kili yells again, "Where is Gandalf!" Which is a good question. Thorin is almost having a heart-attack, trying to keep an eye on each of the members of the company, especially Bilbo and Kili and Fili, without having to notice each time that damn wizard disappears.

"He's abandoned us!" Growled Dwalin.

The orcs closed ranks around the company, "Hold your ground!" Barked Thorin, trying to hold off panic for as long as he can, panic would only make the company an easier target.

Just then they managed to hear Gandalf's voice, "This way, you fools!" He's standing in a gap between two very familiar rocks.

Thorin suddenly remembers how they got to Rivendell last time, "Come on, move! Quickly, all of you! Go, go, go!"

They all manage to get to the crack in the ground, Thorin killing a warg that gets too close to the others, and Kili shooting a second one.

"Kili! Run!" Thorin calls, and all but throws his youngest nephew down the gap.

An orc fell down behind them, startling the company, and Thorin picked up the arrow embedded in its chest to confirm what he already knew.

"Elves" He spat, throwing the fine piece of craftsmanship to the floor. "OW!"

He turned to glare at Bilbo.

Bilbo glared back.

The company stared at Bilbo.

Gandalf wandered off down the path, leaving them all to it.

Thorin glared at Bilbo.

"You know how I feel about elves." Bilbo eventually admitted.

"Just because they're nice to you, doesn't mean that they're nice to everybody." Thorin said, in his perfectly reasonable tone.

Bilbo pouted and the company suddenly found the walls of the tunnel a lot more interesting. "They're only mean to you because you're mean first."

"Oh?" Thorin raised an incredulous eyebrow.

"Yes." He replied, refusing to extrapolate.

"I happen to find that I'm perfectly reasonable to elves."

"Hah" Bilbo snorted, "You insult them to their faces, deliberately try to trip them, steal their things and burn their furniture!"

"That was one time!"

"And he never forgave you, that's for certain."

"There wasn't any firewood, and it was cold."

"Then ask for some damn firewood!"

"I'm not going to ask those bastard elves for anything." Thorin muttered petulantly.

"See! See! This is why they don't like you."

Thorin just harrumphed into his crossed arms.

"Argh!" Bilbo exclaimed, wordlessly, throwing his arms in the air, "Bebother and confusticate the race of Dwarves!"

"Here now, Mr. Bilbo, that's no way to talk about the rest of us." Spoke up Bombur. Bilbo blinked, not ever remembering the Dwarf having talked before, before breaking out into a large smile which made Bombur blush.

"I'm sorry Mr. Bombur, Thorin just annoys me so much sometimes." Bilbo said sheepishly.

"That's alright, Thorin annoys us all sometimes." Bilbo grinned, and the rest of the company started laughing, bar Thorin, of course.

"See, Thorin, at least somebody here is nice to me." Bilbo said. Thorin ignored him, standing majestically in the corner. "Why couldn't I have almost married you?" Bilbo continued, seemingly muttering to himself, "you're so handsome as well, the hobbit lasses would be falling over their feet to get to know you." Bilbo sighed, "And you're a cook."

At this point, Bombur was an impressive tomato red and trying to edge as far away from Bilbo and Thorin (Who looked like he was trying to light Bombur on fire with his eyes) as was physically possible in the enclosed space they were in.

Thorin opened his mouth to say something but was prevented from starting yet another argument with the Hobbit (which was a shame because they were so much fun!) by Dwalin, who seemed to be taking measures to prevent the deaths of those caught up in one of his leader's fights with his ex.

"I cannae see where the pathway leads. Do we follow it, or no?"

Bofur, seeing a way to rescue his brother from spontaneous combustion, helped out. "Follow it of course!"

Thorin huffed, and Bilbo giggled, leering at Bombur, who was all but pushing others out of his way to reach the path first.

"I think that would be wise." Mutters Gandalf, peering anxiously at his hobbit. What had gotten into him, lately? He was not acting at all like how he had heard from the rest of the shire. At first he had thought it was an effect of being in the presence of one who had hurt him, but now he was not so sure, it seemed like something more.

Bilbo grinned, and took hold of Thorin's hand, leading him down the path. He knew Thorin was still _very _reluctant to go visit the elves for any amount of time, and as a friend it was only kind to help him face his fears… Bilbo let out another little giggle, making Thorin blanch and the rest of the company stare at him.

The hobbit just ignored them all, looking forward to finally finding some rest from this journey. He had always loved Rivendell, and it would be nice to visit it again, even if nobody there recognised him and old friends were lost.

The path eventually came to the side of a mountain, just as Thorin and Bilbo remembered, overlooking the house of Elrond in all of its glory.

Thorin made a small noise of disgust in the back of his throat.

"The Valley of Imladris. In the Common tongue it is known by another name." Gandalf stated, waiting patiently for Bilbo to finish his sentence.

There was silent for a long moment.

"Well, what's the other name?" Fili spoke up.

Gandlaf coughed, hiding his embarrassment. "Rivendell, Master Dwarf. Here lies the last Homely House east of the sea."

Thorin recognised his queue, "This was your plan all along, to seek refuge with our enemy."

"You have no enemies here, Thorin Oakenshield. The only ill-will to be found in this valley is that which you bring yourself."

Thorin opened his mouth to say more, but was once again cut off, this time by Bilbo.

"It's so pretty, don't you think?"

"Pretty?! It's a disaster waiting to happen." Gloin grumbled from the back.

"Oh aye, look at this shoddy architecture, it's just waiting to collapse on top of them all, unsafe is what it is."

Thorin grumbled but lead them all across the bridge to the entrance of the house, mindfully ignoring the few elves that are wandering around.

"- so open here, how have _they _not been attacked by a dragon yet?"

"All this wood, just asking for a fire."

"No wonder they're so uptight, probably dying for a piss all the time with these waterfalls."

"- these statues, that's some terrible stone-work, right there, no artistic design."

The company stopped and stared as a black-haired elf glided down the main steps to meet them.

"Mithrandir"

"Ah, Lindir!"

"I think I'm going to be ill with all of these crazy elfish greetings" Dori muttered to himself.

"We use the toilet, and then go." Thorin whispered as an aside to Dwalin. He nodded in agreement before snorting and trying to look serious.

The rest of the dwarves were becoming restless.

"Stay Sharp." Barked Thorin, and they settled down, looking for threats. There were in enemy territory after all.

"_Lastannem I athrannedh I Vruinen."_

"I must speak to Lord Elrond"

"What is he saying?"

"Why is he using that poncy languge?"

"My Lord Elrond is not here."

"Oh well, great for us, let's just bugger off now before more of the tree-shaggers turn up."

"Nori! You know they can hear us!"

"Not here? Where is he?"

"I don't care, if they didn't want to overhear things then they shouldn't have been born elves."

"Yeah."

Suddenly, a great noise from beyond the valley can be heard and the Company turned to see the Elvish Riders returning from their hunt.

Bilbo groaned, knowing that no-matter how many times they did this, Thorin would remain the same. When it came to elves anyway.

"Ifridî bekâr!" Thorin shouted, "Hold ranks."

Bilbo doesn't resist as he's dragged into the circle of Dwarves, silly as they are looking, preparing to fight against their host in his own home. He grabbed the dwarf nearest to him and started banging his head against their chest plate.

Bifur remains, very confused.

There was an odd look upon Lord Elrond's face as he viewed the dwarves in his courtyard, but it is gone almost as soon as it appeared and a stoic mask falls back into place.

"Gandalf" He said in way of Greeting.

Gandalf bows as gracefully as an 800 year old man can manage without damaging anything usually considered important. Like one's spine. "Lord Elrond. _Mellonnen! Mo evínedh?"_

_"Farannem 'lamhoth I udul o charad. Dagannem rim na lant Vedui." _ Elrond replies woodenly, as if his lines had been rehearsed before. Then he had to struggle not to laugh as the comments of the Company of Thorin Oakenshield reached his ears as he gave Gandalf a hug. A many hug. Of friendship.

"What is he sayin'?"

"Look at him on his horse, thinks he's so great just because he's too tall for a pony."

"-that armour, far too thin, wouldn't stop an arrow let alone a mace."

"He said, that they were hunting an orc pack that came from the south."

The company all turned to Bilbo who had seemingly finished trying to brain himself on the nearby dwarves. Thorin looked at him quizzically, "I didn't know that you spoke elvish."

Bilbo huffed, "Of course I speak elvish, where do you think I lived when you left?"

Elrond tried valiantly to ignore this conversation going on around his knees by continuing with Gandalf. "Strange for Orcs to come so close to our borders. Something, or someone, has drawn them near." There, that was him finished for now, he had done his part as suspicious elf leader and could finally stop worrying about remembering his lines. He gave the sword he was waving around recklessly to his aide (who was a saint in the face of adversity) and stared pointedly at the bushy eyebrows dominating his entire face.

"Ah, that may have been us."

That's right, look guilty you meddling old wizard. That's what you get for bringing dwarves into my home. Elrond turned and looked upon the group that was trying to make itself smaller by squishing the ones caught in the middle.

"_Iston I nîf gîn_, Bilbo Baggins," he breathed. "It has been a while since you last visited our halls."

Bilbo looked up from where he was being suffocated shocked at what this would mean. He caught sight of the wide smile on lord Elrond's face and returned it, splitting his face in two.

He managed to reach his old friend with a liberal use of elbows and the occasional kick in the shin before he ran and hugged the Lord Elrond who had bent down to his knees just for this. They embraced softly, tears almost coming to Bilbo's eyes, before stepping back and touching noses in the traditional Hobbit greeting.

There was a growl from the dwarven group along with one or two gasps and some money changing hands but it was all subtly ignored.

"_Êl síla erin lû e-govaned vîn." _Bilbo murmured to an old friend.

_"Na vedui! Mae l'ovannen." _Lord Elrond returned.

Bilbo grinned, "You praise me too highly, my lord."

"I think not, there is no race greater than that of the Hobbits, my old friend." Lord Elrond stood up, losing his smile and glared at the gathered dwarves.

"Thorin, son of Thrain." He paused and Thorin waited anxiously for the decision of this Elvish Lord who apparently remembered them bathing in the fountains and also took care of Bilbo after he was gone. "You, have your grandfather's bearing."

Thorin flinched, almost violently and looked away, not noticing the way that Bilbo glared up at the Elf-Lord.

Elrond ignores him for now and turns to the on-looking elves, "_Nartho I noer, toltho I viruvor. Boe I annam vann a nethail vin."_

"What is he saying? Does he offer us insult?"

"No, master Gloin, he's offering you food." Gandalf exasperatedly spoke, but stared thoughtfully down at the trio of Bilbo, Elrond, and Thorin. It seemed as if all had met before, but Gandlaf was struggling to come up with a way that this would be possible.

The dwarves discussed amongst themselves muttering. Thorin remained silent.

"Ah well, in that case, lead on."

"My steward, Lindir, can show you where to go, in the meantime, I hope you do not mind if I take Mr. Oakenshield off of your hands. We need to talk."

Thorin fliched again and the rest of the Drawves started yelling insults and expletives before he barked out, "Atkât!"

He glared at the dwarves. "My business with Lord Elrod is between, him, Bilbo and I, and as such no concern of yours."

"Thorin, no!" Balin exclaimed.

"Never trust an elf!" Growled out Dwarf.

Thorin Snorted, "I do not. I trust Bilbo."

And with that the three walked into the depths of Rivendell whilst the rest of the Dwarves found food.


	10. The Company in Rivendell

Friends Reunited

"Here commences the first meeting of the dwarrow members of the company of Thorin Oakenshield." Balin knocked his mug against the table as a gavel.

The other dwarves sitting around the long dining table they had "liberated" from one of the many elven rooms stared at him.

"What was that for, brother?" Growled out Dwalin, staring incredulously.

Balin took note of the worried expressions of his fellow dwarves and sighed. "I'm sorry, but I feel so useless these days. I'm supposed to be the advisor to the king, have been for almost 2 centuries now, but it seems like nobody comes to me for anything anymore. I didn't do anything when we were in Hobbitton apart from look at Mr. Baggin's signature and tell Thorin how to spell a word in his letter to the Thain. He wouldn't even let me read it! And let's not forget that he went and stood up royalty - fellow royalty! - at the altar." Balin looked like he was going to cry. "He could have started a war but nobody deemed to tell me about it."

Dwalin gruffed at this admission and patted his brother on the back. Dwarven style, so his head almost banged on the table from the force, but it's the thought that counts.

"And that brings us back to why we are all here." Started Dori, in an attempt to lead away from the a-little-bit-later-than-mid-life crisis he could see looming at the opposite end of the table. "We need to know just what exactly is going on between Thorin and Mr. Bilbo. He's friends with elves! Apparently everybody important in Middle-Earth knows him apart from Tharkûn and that's what worries me."

"Aye, worries the wizard too, did you see the way he would stare at them both, especially the hobbit. It's like he expected a completely different person when he knocked on the door."

_Too-right-cousin _signed Bifur _I-don't-like-the-way-that-the-wizard-looks-at-Bilbo. He-is-a-nice-hobbit. I-wish-he-was-not-so-friendly-with-the-elves-though._

"Yes! Elves come up far too often in our conversations these days." Bombur muttered.

"But we all know why, don't we?" Chimed in Kili

The other dwarves all turned to him, apart from his brother who was nodding along.

"Why don't you explain it to us, lads?" asked Balin when it became obvious that no further explanation was forthcoming.

"Well it's obvious isn't it?" Fili spoke up, "Clearly what's happened is that while Bilbo and Uncle were courting, there was another elf vying for Bilbo's affections, adorable little hobbit that he is."

Kili nodded, "But clearly Uncle won, I mean any sane person would choose such a majestic and strong dwarf over one of those poncy elves any day. Also, that there was going to be a marriage pretty much excuses anything else."

"And I don't think he was such a grumpy-pants to Bilbo either."

"I mean, you've seen the way that they act around each other. They're very familiar with the other's habits and seem to go from tearing out throats angry to almost loving exasperation."

"And then the problem with the elves we have now is, that if Uncle did indeed walk away from the wedding, then obviously Bilbo, far away from his little hobbit-hole, and not knowing what to do with himself…"

"He went back to the elves!" All of the dwarves turned so suddenly at the new voice that more than one complained of whiplash later to Oín.

"Well done Ori!" Cried the devil brothers in tandem. The shy dwarf blushed and sat back down I his chair, burying his head in his note-book.

"Yes he went to the elves." Continued Fili, "Who most likely let him stay with them for a while to heal his broken heart at being left by the dwarf he was going to spend the rest of his life with and then took him back home to his grandfather the hobbit king when he was feeling better."

Gloin rolled his eyes at their youngests' creative descriptions but spoke anyway, "Which is what leads us to Elrond trying to burn a hole through _our _king's head with his eyes. What do we do about that?"

Balin grinned evilly, "Why nothing of course. If Thorin wants to make silly decisions on his own, then he can clean up after his mistakes himself." He crossed his arms with an air of finality.

"You are mad brother."

Oín, having finally caught up with the conversation, began to cackle madly in his chair. "HA! If Thorin thinks he's got it bad now, just wait until he has to meet Bilbo's grandfather." He paused for moment, "Serves him right, it was a foul thing our king did, leaving Bilbo like that."

There was a moment of silence.

"Aye, in this way I'm…. thankful" Gloin cringed, "To the elves. I suspect Bilbo would have broken without them. I know I wouldn't have wanted to go on if my wife had left me."

"So," started Fili, "I bet 10 coins that Uncle and Bilbo get together again before we reach Erebor."

His brother grinned, "That's a sucker's bet, brother. I bet 15 that they try to kill each other once we leave Rivendell."

There was a great clamour as more and more bets were made.

"-declare their undying love"

"-Bilbo goes back to his Elf-lover"

"-Lord Elrod asks Bilbo to marry him"

"It's Elro_nd_" "-nobody cares"

"-The elves try to kill Uncle!"

"I bet that they kiss!" Shouted Ori

"No! I'll take that bet Ori."

"I bet 50 silver coins that they end up kissing before we leave Rivendell!"

"I'm with Ori! They're going to kiss!"

"No! Fight to the death!"

"Kiss!"

Balin banged on the table again. "Order, ORDER!"

The dwarves stared at him again.

"We have to take that mug off of him" Whispered Dwalin to Nori.

The theif nodded, "I'm on it."

"I said order!" Balin practically screamed.

The dwarves finally settled down, more out of fear than respect.

"Mwahahaaha! Mwahahaa!" yelled Balin, "I have all the Power!" banging down his empty fist on to the table. "ow! What the-?"

He examined the spot where not two minutes ago there was a mug.

Dwalin looked to Nori, who he hadn't even seen move, impressed.

Nori raised a smug eyebrow. He was the best there was.

Balin seemed to recover himself.

"Alright," he said, "I want everybody who thinks our leader and his ex-fiancée will kiss on my right, and all those who think that they'll kill one another on my left so I can make a note."

There was some shuffling and a couple of scuffles that were quickly resolved before any more megalomaniacal laughter could commence.

"Right, so, it's a pretty even split, with 5 on each side and myself and Bofur remaining impartial judges on this particular bet." He made a note of the amounts being paid and was about to say more when an elf walked up to them.

This surprised quite a few of the Dwarves who were sure that they had barricaded the door to the room they had taken.

"How did you get in?" Asked Kili

The elf looked at them incredulously, "You do realise you're sitting in one of the dining halls, right?" The dwarves stared at him (her? How the hell are you supposed to tell them apart when none of them have beards?).

The (most likely) male elf sighed and pointed to the other side of the room where a set of doors lay wide open. A set of doors which were 3 meters away from another set that had somehow been barricaded by several spare chairs and a small table.

The dwarves shuffled sheepishly for a moment and the elf took pity on the inferior creatures. "My Lord Elrond bids you to join him at the evening meal." He made a shoeing motion towards the door with his arms.

There was much grumbling (and one or two good natured swears) but the dwarves eventually trotted out of their make-shift conference room, the elf swiftly leading them down one of the many ornate corridors.

"This is ridiculous, being herded like some form of common sheep!"

"Would you rather be left to wander the halls on your own, master Dwarf?" The elf tilted his head, peering down at them from his unnatural height.

Gloin harrumphed, but remained silent and the elf wandered further and further into the depths of Rivendell, until they finally reached what should have been a feasting room, but apparently was actually the salad table.

Unsurprisingly, grumbling ensued, especially when Tharkûn (and where did he get to?) and their "host" turned up, laughing. Laughing! Well, now we know where _his _priorities lie.

"Oh look," Spoke up Kili, "Its uncle and Mr. Bilbo."

And indeed, Thorin and Bilbo had snuck in behind the needlessly tall people and were sat at the head table.

"How did Balin sneak up there as well?" Asked Fili, for indeed their resident negotiator (who they suspected the stress of the travel was not doing any favours for his mental health) had snuck away from them and was making merry at the high table with their mortal enemies and their king and his on again off again wife (husband?).

The feast was something of a disappointment. No real food there, and severely watered down ale. The background music was more annoying than calming and the hosts paid little attention to us. Overall, Oín would rate it 4/7. Definitely could use improvement.

"All right lads, there's only one thing for it…

~There's an inn, there's an inn~

"Bofur, get your feet off of the table, by Mahal, I don't care if it is elves, were none of you taught any manners?! It's embarrassing, that's what it is, and unsanitary. Why -"

Ori and nori each clasped a hand over their eldest brother's mouth.

"Ignore him! Liven up this wake"

~There's a merry old inn, beneath an old grey hill~

"Go Bofur!"

Fists banged on tables and feet stomped as much as they were able whilst sitting crossed legged, which actually meant that dwarves were kicking their neighbour dwarves rather hard in the shins to the beat of Bofur's song.

~And there they brew a beer so brown~

Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, Bifur decided to throw some offensive lettuce at his cousin. This didn't happen, but he did manage to hit Kili with the monstrosity, who then threw it back, whereupon the most adventurous piece of lettuce ever since Hubert Sweetleaf (who was carried across an entire battlefield in a sandwich by James Jameson (whose son was named James Jameson Jameson) by decree of his wife who thought he should have a snack in case the armies agreed on a quick ten minute break between strategies) hit Gloin.

~The man in the moon himself came down, one night to drink his fill~

Unfortunately, by then no one was paying any attention to Legolas (the lettuce (he's an Elvish lettuce, so he has an Elvish name. it's nobody's fault that Thranduil named his son Greenleaf but his own.)) as there were various pieces of vegetables flying everywhere. Especially, and entirely coincidentally if anyone asks, towards the Elven musicians.

~Ooooh… The ostler has a tipsy cat~

Eventually Dori joined in the festivities as well, and more dwarves were singing along.

~That plays a five-stringed fiddle~

Others of the company decided to sing along, in a way that could only really be described as "merrily"

~And up and down he saws his bow~

~Now squeaking high, now purring low~

For some reason Gandalf was looking apologetically at Lord Leafeater, don't see why, he encouraged this behaviour in the Lord Consorts house, and _now _it's wrong?

Double standards much?

~Now sawing in the middle~

In the end the festivities wound down under the blistering glare of the exiled King. The Dwarven Company quailed in terror as Thorin Oakenshield stomped towards them only to sweep past their table and out into the hall.

Bilbo for some reason had his hands clasped to his face and was shaking uncontrollably.

The dwarves shuffled out of the dining hall, contrite, and none of them caring to speak up about their impeding misplaced-ness within the elven… what was this? Some kind of castle? With decorative waterfalls?

Clearly being abandoned by their illustrious leaders, the company of Thorin Oakenshield, minus the betrayer that was Balin, proceeded to source themselves some real food.

"So what do you think about all this map business?"

There was silence for a moment whilst they all considered the reason that they had been brought to Rivendell in the first place.

"I'm not sure that I believe that this elf knows something when Gandalf doesn't"

There were murmurs of agreement all round.

"Well, what you have to remember is that Gandalf might be a wizard, but he is also made from a Man. The elf ponce is probably twice as old as Gandalf is."

The members of the company all turned to Ori in surprise. He looked up from his knitting at the silence to find several sets of eyes staring incredulously at him.

"What? I'm a scholar, well, in training anyway, we're expected to know these things. I bet that's why Balin is so on-board with all of this."

The Dwarves continued staring at their youngest member for a while longer before they went back to their business of wandering about the place in the hope that they stumbled upon the kitchens. Apparently, Elves _weren't_ vegetarians, being quite renowned as hunters, so they very easily could have provided their guests a nice piece of venison at the very least. Just providing leaves and bread was meant as a joke, a way to tease their most hated enemies, at least that was what Ori, their resident expert had said, and as such the grunts of the company were not fantastically happy at the moment.

It was luck that had led them to the kitchens. Luck, and absolutely not much else. Kili and Fili had begun another argument between themselves as they were wont to do, and when Nori, under the encouraging glare of his elder brother, moved to try and separate them he was pushed over a balcony railing, down a flight of stairs and through a door. Nori, being a Dwarf and therefore of a relatively sturdy constitution, would have been fine from such a fall, although the stairs did add a new element to the danger and being the curious creatures that they are, this led to the rest of them (Kili, Fili, Oín, Gloín, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Dori, Ori, and Dwalin) racing after him either in guilt, concern, or curiosity. Of course, Nori had managed to discover the kitchen, or one of them, completely deserted since by this time it was quite late at night, and had already brushed off any injuries he may have accrued (slight bruising, and he'd be sore in the morning) in favour of finding some decent food.

In the end, they decided on relocating all of the food they could carry to their shared bedroom, which was not technically stealing. It was moving with malicious intent, as long as none of it actually left the house. In this way they forgot about the clandestine meeting held in a cave that very night, and they, to the surprise of their hosts, managed to pass the rest of the time in the elven "paradise" with much gusto and cheer, knowing full well that the elven maids would never clean anything they were actually living in, and as such that they had a plentiful supply of proper food for a good couple of weeks. They even decided to have a bathe in the elven fountain, which was also a punishment to themselves, taking off their armour in what may as well have been enemy territory. It was fun though.

Especially the face on Lord Prissy's aide.

Especially the way their king abandoned all dignity and jumped in after them.

Especially the way that Mr Baggins walked in on the scene, took one look and walked straight off again.

Especially when this little midget of a man who for some reason could only speak Sindarin decided that they were much better than the stuffy elves he had been hanging out with and immediately stripped down to join them.

Especially how a whole herd of the leaf-eaters came barrelling into the courtyard in the most ungraceful way they had ever seen an elf move and then helplessly stood at a safe distance away from the fountain, hands outstretched, unable to decide between being so close to the dwarves against saving their obviously precious charge.

Eventually they were escorted out of the fountain, it seemed as though Bilbo had ran off to find them all towel from when they were inevitably evicted from the courtyard and had already set a fire in their room to warm them as the sun had made his way across the world some time ago and a night chill was setting in. The boy was eventually stolen from them, by a smiling Bilbo, who had picked him up (with great difficulty, them being roughly the same size) and placed him in the arms of an obviously worried elf maid(?) who had looked close to fainting earlier. The boy was half asleep already and a small smile fell on her face. She walked off with a small nod to Bilbo and a contemplative look towards the dwarves.

The days went on as such in joy and the company of Thorin Oakenshield felt that they had lived far more these few weeks than they had since before they could almost remember. They had forgotten to search for the history between their leader and their elf host, that is was bad history no one could fault them on.

In fact if it wasn't for this one, teensy, tiny, incident that could have been overlooked really, but wasn't, their time spent in the House of Elrond after they found a Pantry would have been perfect.

It wasn't a dark and stormy night, in fact, it was the middle of the day and the weather was almost perfect, the dwarves were wondering what they were going to do for fun that day, none of them really understanding why they were staying so long and in the end just deciding to take things as they came, so they were wandering around the Last Homely House East of the Sea trying to find something interesting (read: some unlucky sod to annoy).

It was an innocent day, they were innocent, until they saw… IT

It was Balin who saw it first, he was leading the expedition and as such chose which doors to go through and when. Nobody thought anything of it when he suddenly stilled and stared, mouth gaping, into the room. Nobody else knew what was in there and it wouldn't be the first time they had found something interesting enough to pause.

After more than a few moments had passed, however, they thought differently.

It was Nori who came up to him curiously that was next frozen, and similarly his elder brother. His younger brother, Ori, however, whooped in joy at the sight that befell him and held out his hands suggestively to his fellow dwarves. This of course encouraged the rest of them to go and see what was happening all at once in a great clamour, although the occupants of the room didn't seem to notice.

Lo and behold was their King, Thorin standing with his back to them stock still, his arms stretched out somewhere in front of him.

With two tiny hobbit hands grasped into his hair, the rest of Bilbo hidden behind him and the rest of the company hidden behind Thorin in turn.

The 12 dwarves stood in the doorway for a moment, before by mutual agreement they all retreated slowly back to their rooms in silence, at first for the secrecy and then when what they had seen had processed; in shock. In what other way were they supposed to interpret that _intimate _position between their leader and his ex-fiancé?

Many different thoughts were going through our heroes' heads as they finally settled themselves in their commandeered room:

"I am too old for this" was prominent in some of the more experienced member's minds, Balin in particular.

"At least Bilbo cannot birth Uncle an heir" featured in the thoughts of the two trickster princes.

"How sweet, why this reminds me of how I met my darling wife…" for Gloin, and also surprisingly, Bombur.

"How entirely indecent" was Dori's opinion, unsurprisingly.

Many wondered how they had gotten to this state, the relationship between King Thorin and Mr. Bilbo still relatively new to them.

Ori just laughed, until Nori asked why he was having such a mental breakdown, to which he replied: "You all owe me so much money!"

Which was true. And give it to him they did, after resolving to hopefully act as if nothing had happened at all and to erase the image from their minds, as was proper.

Not one of them noticed the mysterious visitors that arrived that night clad in white.


End file.
